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Sunday, 13 August 2006
I dont know what to do anymore. I promised myself that I wont have sex until I went back to St.Louis. But the one moment that I felt like no one loved me and that I needed attention, I go out and have sex. I think that it is something so wrong with that. Then afterwards I feel like crap. I dont like what I am doing to myself. I dont love the guys that I have sex with, even though they are the same guys everytime, its not like a whore around or anything, I just feel nasty. Its just that everytime that I love someone, its like I set myself up for failure. Like I cant stand to be happy with someone. I cant let myself truly be loved by anyone, cause I never had love like that in my life, just lies. Then, when I finally get love, I cant stand to be rejected later on, so I turn my back on the person just so that I can breathe. The saddest part is that all I ever wanted was to be loved, I think that is all anyone ever wants, but I dont think that I am going to get it. So now I keep sleeping with these guys that I call boytoys, when all that I am playing is myself. Its all that I can do to keep from crying everyday. I see people and they are so in love, why cant I have that? Why cant someone love me for me? So I use my body to get attention and its not the attention that I want. I just want someone to hold me at night, to tell me Im beautiful and acutally mean it. Someone that I can take care of and they can take care of me. Someone that I would marry one day and have their kids. Is that too much to ask for? So now, Im going through everything in my mind and I am asking myself one thing, what do I want out of life? I cant answer the question, cause I think somewhere down the line everything got twisted and now its to a point that I dont know who to talk to, I dont know who to trust, and its so hard to be closed in and not tell people whats on your mind. Whats wrong with me? Please someone help me, I cant take the hurt anymore, the pain. I told my friends that I wont try to commit suicide anymore, but I just cant help but to think about it everyday. I just want to die. I talk to reka about everything now, she's the only person who can just tell me when I am being stupid and when to just do the best thing for me. UPDATE::Okay, Ive done it again, I put myself out there to be rejected. Why am I so stupid? Why do I believe in love and fate when its not true? At least not for me. One of my friends gave me a heads up on someone that said that they missed me and loved me. So I called only to have him DRUNK IN MY EAR!!! I cant do this anymore. So I am going to do something really stupid and I dont care anymore what people think. Im tired of crying, you dont understand. The three men that I loved in my life have hurt me the most. Later
Posted by monique151802
at 12:18 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 13 August 2006 12:44 AM EDT
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Sunday, 13 August 2006 - 1:41 AM EDT Name: rekachasez02Home Page: http://rekachasez02.tripod.com Well it hurts being in love with someone who isnt always honest with you. i know how you feel. getting everything out in the open make everything better. no matter the outcome is. being in love is about taking chances. maybe getting him when he not drunk will help. dont worry i got your back i will help you since you are helping me. Sunday, 13 August 2006 - 4:18 AM EDT Name: monique151802Home Page: http://monique151802.tripod.com
rekachasez02 wrote: Well it hurts being in love with someone who isnt always honest with you. i know how you feel. getting everything out in the open make everything better. no matter the outcome is. being in love is about taking chances. maybe getting him when he not drunk will help. dont worry i got your back i will help you since you are helping me. well reka, I came to a conclusion while I was doing some work. Love isnt suppose to be this hard, so it must just be the guys that I fall for that dont fall for me. so I am just going to clean the slate and start over when I get back, the only person that'll love me is well me and my real friends, I cant make a guy say something that he doesnt feel. Its cool though, I just dont want to get sucked into another fairy tale that isnt going to come true. but thanks anyway, later
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crushed out