Monday, 14 August 2006

More Awake And Alot Wiser
Mood:  bright

Okay, so I went home after work this morning and I was really beat and upset over everything that happened and that I keep doing to myself. So I watch one of my favorite movies, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castles and I went to sleep. I awoke to find Anna there cleaning up the house. I was like I need to talk to you about something and I dont want you to say anything until I am finished, she was like okay what is it.

So I told her about my feelings towards Jeff, Loren and Torry and how they have always been part of like this twisted thing in my head of being love. How out of every guy in my life, I always compared them to one of those two and its been a headache. How I could see my life without them, but I could live this way with them. So I didnt know what to do and I was tired of thinking of ways to show them that I cared about them and I didnt want to choose.

Her advice was and I think this may be the smartest thing that Anna has ever said by the way, I had to choose, myself. She said that all this time has went by and if these guys didnt know how I felt, they were clueless. She said that she could even see that I cared about them, but did they care enough about me? Did I? She was so right. I could never understand why I couldnt give someone else my heart, it was because I never knew how to give up the pieces that I had already given up.

So she said to let all of them go and start over, I dont know how to though. Its hard when you love someone for so long then you just have to drop it. I dont think that I can, but I will have to try. If I am never loved by anyone else again in my life, at least I will have myself and my love for me, thats all thats important. So am I going to give up on them? They gave up on me, right?

So I guess I should let go of my dreams of being happy with any of them. Its that stupid dream that every girl has of being with their high school sweetheart, but its just that, a dream. Reality is alot better and I have to realize that. In fact, I already know, I just have to do whats best for me. Thats to realize that they dont love me like that and to move on with me. Okay, so what do you think, am I being stupid? Leave notes if you want, well later

Posted by monique151802 at 12:03 AM EDT

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