Sunday, 10 September 2006
Okay, so I have been trying to keep everything to myself even though I promised myself I wouldnt. So I am going to write it on here since no one reads this anyways. I am so confused its crazy. I am really happy to be going home, but I just feel empty right now. I am in love with someone that doesnt know I love him. Then not to mention I am still talking to Jeff and Loren.
I promised myself that I wouldnt talk to Jeff but I am. The sad part about the whole things is that he is married and still flirting with me. I think that its a game to him, so I keep pushing him off the subject of me. I want to do the right thing, but its so hard. Not to mention I still love him, I always will. Just like Loren, they have this part of me that I cant get back.
Its weird, I havent had sex with any of these guys, but I love them. I guess that its cause now I took the time to get to know them, I love what I know. But people change, they move on. Why cant I? Why do I have to keep loving these people that dont love me?
Then not to mention that I was flirting with one of my friends, I feel horrible. I know that nothing is going to happen with this person, but its just that he is one of my friends long time crushes. Even though I told her, I still feel bad. I dont even like him like that. I think its just that I got caught in the moment and I wanted to see what I could really get out of him.
But I dont want to talk about that anymore. Its making me more upset. I need help, I wish I could talk to someone, but I have to keep making everyone think Im okay. Its hard, I just dont think that I can tell everyone everything. Because once I do, I just might lose myself. I dont know how to be me when everyone knows everything about me. Its sad, I feel like I cant trust anyone with myself. No one wants to listen to what I would say anyways, so I keep it to myself.
I love Daryl now, I just cant believe how lucky I am. But I have to go home, but what am I going home to? I wish he could come with me, I wish that I met him earlier, but all the wishing in the world couldnt help me now. I have to let him go, too. I dont want to talk about this anymore, later