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Tuesday, 8 August 2006
So I have been doing some thinking about my life and I was like why am I putting myself through alot of pain and suffering for nothing. I am alittle upset with the way that my life turned out but I know that it is all my fault. Now I know that everyone is like Precious, dont you think that you are being alittle hard on yourself. NO! I dont! Here's the evidence: 1. Loren is my soulmate! I knew it since the first time that I met him that it was something about him that was special. That I just needed him in my life. But now, we arent even really talking to each other. Its all because I felt insecure about his feelings towards me. I decided on my own not to let my wall down and to let him go on thinking that I didnt trust him. But I do. Its just that I cant help but to think that he could do so much better than me, and he is doing better than me. He has someone that loves him unconditionally. Someone that doesnt question him. And thats who he's with now. I lost him because I cant stand to be without him, now I am without him. 2. My children in my life was always important to me. It was always something that I needed to make me feel like I was leaving something in this world that would carry on my family. They were going to be those pieces in my life that I need to make me feel special. So now I was talking with the doctors and they want to sit down with me and talk about how much time I have left to have children. I never thought that this would happen to me, but it has. 3. Torry, he has been my friend for a while now. But now I cant even stand to hear his voice. He's someone that tried to take that last piece of life that you have left in you and drain it out. I dont think he knows what it means to be a friend. I have tried to be there for him. But between his baby's momma, and the baby, and his court date, I am completely drained. I cant take anymore. So I havent called him in hopes that he wont call me again. Friends are suppose to be there for you, they are suppose to try to hurt you whenever they can. 4. My dance partner, Troy. He's a nice guy but there is just that thing of I am leaving soon and I cant have a relationship right now. I mean, he's perfect. But the timing is off and I know that we could never be together. He's just not someone that I could see myself loving at all. I mean dont get me wrong, he's a great partner, and a great kisser. But I love someone else, and I dont think I could ever love anyone the way that I love the person I have been in love with since middle school/ high school. 5. Virginia- enough said! I cant stand this place. Everything about this place makes me ill. I cant wait to move in November its crazy. So I can get back to being me! I just know that somewhere everything has to work out to where I can finally get to be happy, but when?? When am I actually going to be loved back? When will I get my turn to get what I want? Time will tell but until then, Later!
Posted by monique151802
at 2:08 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 9 August 2006 12:25 AM EDT
Saturday, 5 August 2006
Okay, well today after getting off of work I go home, take a shower and go to sleep. Once I woke up though is when the craziness started. I wake up to a sore throat and a pounding headache. I couldnt even think straight. I was so miserable it was crazy. I think its cause of this crap that my doctor is giving me, its making my immune system very low. So I have decided to stop taking the pain pills again and stick to what I know best, meditating. It has worked in the past, I just have to find a way to get my bum ass friend out of my house long enough to acutally have some peace and quite. The thing is though, that I havent had peace in my life since I started being nice to people again. So I its the universe's way of really trying to fuck with me and piss me off. So I think that I should go back to being mean again. I was fine when I was actually mean to people. I mean I didnt have any problems, I just told people how I felt and how it was going to be. So fuck all this shit, I hope that no one has any ideas of being a smart ass soon, because they will not like me anymore. But anyways back to the subject at hand, I have been sick all day. It has been insane. I heard from my sexy dance partner today and he was like I think that I should come over there and take care of you. I was like no, I dont want to get sick, so stay home and I'll call you if I feel worse. Then I get a weird call from an ex boyfriend and he was like something happened and your not telling me so I figured that I would call and corner you into telling me. Now people, if you know me, you know that cornering me into doing anything is not a good idea. I get very upset, then I end up saying things that I really mean. So I ended up telling him to kiss my ass. He got upset of course and asid that he was just concerned about me and he wanted to know. So I was like fine, I'll tell you everything that has been going on lately. Of course, he was my friend since like first grade, so he knew that it wasnt telling him something. So I told him my secret that I havent told anyone, I mean anyone. I felt like this, if I told everyone what I did, I would get grive about it. The one secret that I said that I would take to my grave and only me and the other person know about it, and I told. Its not a bad thing, but it is very weird. I just think that I shouldnt have told. Now he's all like, are you stupid? You've done something for someone that you cant even do for yourself. He was so mad at me. But I guess that's what friends are for, to tell you when you are being stupid. See the thing is, that I had a child for one of my friends. I just let her use my body. It was all her and her husbands stuff. Ive been keeping this secret for about two years now. The baby is health and happy. Very beautiful, I love that little girl. She's a part of me and I like that. So after that, I went to sleep to try and sleep this sickness off. It didnt work of course. I was awaken by Anna. I cant believe that she just wont go home! I need at least one day to myself. I cant even get that. I love her, but her and her boyfriend are so disrespectful. They dont understand that its my house and some things you just dont do when you are a guest in someone else's house. I seriously need to just get away soon! Well that's it I guess, leave notes if you want, later hotties
Posted by monique151802
at 2:25 AM EDT
Friday, 4 August 2006
Okay, now I wouldnt normally brag, okay yes I would, I had a bitchin time today. I was just on fire and I didnt know why. Okay I guess I should start from the beginning cause thats a great place to start. So I got up today at about 10 because my slacker best friend down here didnt go to work today and decided to bum out over my house. I mean all day long! I was so upset cause I had just got off of work at about 7 that morning and she just messed up my sleep. I was so mad but I decided to get over it and go ahead and start my day. So I called my dance partner and I was like, what are you doing for the day? He was like, nothing, just relaxing, ya'll have been working me getting my trained for this teachers assistant position. So I am just staying home for the day. I was like darn, well cant wait to see you but I'll let you relax and go back to sleep. So I got off the phone with him and took my shower and started my day. I started working out at about 12 and I was working it to the max. Its hard trying to get off weight once you get it on, but I am so close to my goal and I am not stopping until I am back to where I was. So I get a phone call today from Tim. He was like, what are you up to today. I was like nothing, wanna hang out? He was like yeah, can you come get my from the store. I was like sure, I'll be there in about 10 minutes. So I jump in my Honda, and start to get at least about 50 on a 40, which is normal for me, I really need to stop speeding. I get there and he is looking as good as always. The whole punk rock look really turns me on, plus I wanted to talk to him cause we always have great conversations. So he gets in and says, did you see that accident that just happened right before up turned into the parking lot? I was like no, what accident? I look back to see this car, almost totaled and the truck that hit her was pretty bad too. I was like, dang, thats something. We started laughing while listening to ozzy on the radio. So we get to my house, talk alittle bit, have a little fun making fun of each other, then he told me about his situation with his baby's momma. I really hate to use that term, but thats what he said, just repeating it. That woman is giving him pure hell. I was like, you deserve to see your son, tell her to shove it up her ass if she wont let you see him. But then he got alittle upset talking about the situation and I just wanted him to relax. So I gave him a back massage and calmed him down to the best of my ability. I hate to see friends upset. So I ended up taking him home then I went home only to get a text at about 430. It was Angie, she wanted to know if I wanted to go and see the strippers. Of course I did, I really love southern gentlemen, especially the new guy, Denver. So I was so game to go and spend my money and time with the boys. And plus, it was Rico's Birthday, it was a special day. Rico's a nice guy, gotta tell him Happy Birthday. So I get ready, and head down to the Banquet. We get there and get this horrible table but cute waiter. He was hot, nice eyes, and not too bad on the body. But thats not what I came for, so I went to see Denver. Only to find out that he is going to be having his own hot seat soon, I gotta start saving up for that! So I get my picture taking with Denver, he is holding my leg in the picture. I love it when he flirts with me. Then he kissed me on the cheek and I went about my night. I had to be at work. So now, here I am. Stuck in my own little slice of hell and heaven. I cant wait to get back to St.Louis. This place is pissing me off. I think its just some of the people. But today, definitely, was a good day. Well later hotties!
Posted by monique151802
at 2:47 AM EDT
Updated: Friday, 4 August 2006 2:47 AM EDT
Wednesday, 2 August 2006
Okay, well I guess I should start from where I left off with last time I with last time. Okay since last time I have been back to dance class, in fact, I went today. I had to see him. He's so hot, and I misspelled his name wrong, its Troy. Which it way hot. I went in today and he was like, hey what are you doing here, I thought that you were in the hospital. I was like I was in the hospital, not now. So we went to talk to my dance teacher and she wanted to see us dance with each other. So my old dance partner had already taught him some dances so we went to dancing. It was so intense. I was like wow, I didnt know what to do. I couldnt help but to touch him, its crazy. And when we finished practice my dance teacher called us over and was like, I love how ya'll move together. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife, ya'll are definitely staying together, and you are the new teachers assistant with Precious. Welcome aboard Troy. I was like YES!!! He's all mines. And I didnt have to do a thing. Then he asked to come to the studio with me tomorrow and I was like of course and he kissed me on the cheek. I almost fell on the floor, its something about his touch. Sigh... But anyways, I have to back track, I'll start with Sunday. Okay, I wasnt feeling well but I decided to go out to dinner with my friends Brita, Brandy, Angie, Andrew, and Mike. Well I got alittle drunk which didnt help with the fact of me being sick so I called out. I was like whatever. But I did get to make Mikes face go all frowned up. I loved it. He came there and was like hey, I was like hey. Then he said what have you been up to, I was like nothing much, just been working, dance class the normal. Then I started talking about my dance partner and my music that I was recording and he was all like blah. So funny. But Monday was alittle worse. I went to the hospital finally. And they kept me until this morning, which sucks by the way. But I have them do some test and I have to wait until tomorrow so I can know for sure whats going on. So I am alittle excited about that. Then I heard from an old friend, which was kind of good but not really. You see, I still like him, no I love him. I admited it, fine whatever. But he has a piece of me that I cant get back and I hate that. So he was sitting there talking to me and I was loving that we were talking again, but my hopes were up too much. He called me back later and told me he was getting back with his ex! I was so pissed, but my dance partner made me feel better, just thinking about him. I feel like I got a school girl crush. What can I say, I guess I do still believe and love and happiness. But unfortunately, wrong timing. I am still going back to St.Louis, so I guess those dreams will be on hold. Well later!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:46 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 2 August 2006 12:49 AM EDT
Sunday, 30 July 2006
Now this is the weirdest week I have ever had before in my life! What the hell is wrong with people now a days??? Well first, I had a pretty interesting day today. I was awaken by my evil friend Anna. I wanted to cuss her out seeing I was having one of the best dreams that I have had in a long time, but the words wont come. Well first let me go into the dream. Well I have had the song sexyback, by Justin Timberlake, stuck in my head for about three days now. Seeing that we have to dance off of it and all, I was figuring that this would happen, but the dream was something else. For anyone that has seen the video, Justin is just bring pure sexuality in this song. So in my dream, I literally have sex with Justin. Yes, best dream in a while, not to mention, the song kept playing in the back, like it was a video. Great dream!!! So now you can see why I was mad. But then I ended up talking to Reka and she yelled at me! I was mad at first, but then I thought about it,she was right. I needed to let all this anger that I have towards men go, cause not all of them are bad. So I did, then I got off the phone with her and tried to take a nap. But when the damn phone kept ringing, I just got up and went to dance class. Only to discover that my dance partner is leaving me and we got a new guy, his name is Troy. So now, he is my dance partner. He is really hot and straight! I am so happy to finally be able to flirt with my dance partner and have fun like I want. Chills. So after that, I went home, took a quick shower and hawled ass to work. I am so happy right now. Its so great to be able to just say what I want and not worry about anything that people say. Im getting better with the help of my friends, I know that they love me, they have been there for me since my little breakdown after hearing I couldnt have kids. I love them all. Well I wrote enough on this thing, lets wind down with a later!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:41 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 30 July 2006 12:42 AM EDT
Saturday, 29 July 2006
Okay, now if everybody says that shit happens and thigs will work out on its own, when does that crap happen???? Now I know that all I might do is complain on here but its because I cant say what I want to when I am talking to people or face to face with people. I am very quite and to myself. I dont want to hurt anyones feelings and I dont want anyone to hate me. So I keep things bottled up. I have lost someone very dear to my life lately cause I dont open up my heart, I never have. When I do, I get hurt. So I have up this wall to protect me against everyone. I know that its bad but what can I do. Its just one of the things that I have to grow out of. But lately I have given up on love. Thats right me, I grew up with all the meant for me crap and soulmates. IT DOESNT EXIST!! At least not for me. Its hard when something that you believed in for so long is gone. So now, I have been trying to go through my life without the thought of being with someone for the rest of my life. I know that it sounds crazy, but I know that is how I am going to be, alone. I am going back to st.louis in sept. I already made the request. So it looks like I will be there for the week of the 11th. I CANT WAIT!!!! I made a CD! Isnt it exciting?!?!?!?! Well I am not going to share it with anyone. I just dont want anyone else hearing it. Im not ready for that in my life. Its just not something I think I want to do. Even though everyone is trying to convince me otherwise. I just cant. I feel like Im not that good. So I cant do it. Now I am talking to these dumb ass guys that think I am really falling for their crap. Its like, I love you baby, I want to marry you, blah, blah BLAH!!!!! I dont want to hear that! I dont care! I just want someone to pass the time with. Well thats all I want to talk about now... So, later:)
Posted by monique151802
at 12:39 AM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 29 July 2006 12:52 AM EDT
Thursday, 27 July 2006
Okay, so Im not really sure what I should do with my new found information about myself, so of course, I am going to do somethings that I havent done in a very long time. First off, I am changing my outfits. Yes, now most people would say, Precious that is very minor but you dont know me. My whole life, I wanted to dress like I wanted to dress. But I have been so scared because of what everyone else might think about me that I didnt. So now, Im starting small. For starters, I came to work today with my ball necklace on. I havent worn it since I was in high school. Its weird how you think that you know someone and you dont. Second, I have decided to start dating again. Now I know that I said no more men until I get back to St.Louis, but screw that. I thought that I was going home to someone, now Im not. So I think that it is best for me to go ahead and try out some more of these hotties in Virginia. Speaking of which, there are these two hotties that I just happened to stubble across recently. Their names are Tim and Josh. They both have this whole bad boy look that I love. Its really hot and they love to do what I like to do, so I think that it will work out just fine. Third, fuck the world. Yes I said it. This world has done nothing but screwed me over. I am so sick of these people coming to me with their minor problems and then expect for me to actually give a fuck. Hey this is a small thought, how about your not slowly dying like me, or better yet, you have time to actually fix your problem. I dont think that I have that much time left, so I am going to use it to the fullest. No more bullshit, please. I know that I am suppose to be the nice one, but nice is overrated. It gets you nothing but heartache, and pain. I am tired of both, so screw that and screw you if you dont like me. I could give a rats ass about what you think about me. I am naturally mean right now. I have been in pain since I was 13 years old. I am now 22, it doesnt get better, trust me. Fourth, I am giving up on true love. I know that I have said this in the past to random friends but this time I mean it. True love doesnt exist. Its just something that the tv shows and the government want you to think is true. Wake up people, its not there. The divorce rate is up because all that is left in this world is assholes and liars. We should not try to find something that doesnt exist. So there it is, sorry people. The Precious that exist in Virginia, Im leaving that bitch right here. Time to go back to the person that everyone loved to hate. Trust and believe, that I know no one reads this, but its fun to sit here and go on and on about what I am going to do and no one even knows that its coming. Im just a little pissed off that I have to go through the rest of my life without the one thing that I always wanted. So I am going to do what I want to do. If I want to have sex with every sexy guy I see, I will. Maybe after I get past that whole shy thing, I will learn how to do that. Its hard when you go up to someone and try to talk and nothing comes out. Its like you go retarded or something. I guess thats and understatement. Especially for me, I never was one to go and tell a guy I like them. Fear of rejection I guess. One of the many things that I am going to try to change about myself. Well to whatever, what the hell am I saying, Im talking to myself, haha. I guess this ends here. I dont want to give away everything, that would just be well whatever.
Posted by monique151802
at 3:09 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 27 July 2006 3:10 AM EDT
Tuesday, 25 July 2006
Okay, now I wish that I could tell you that my life was a story book life and that I was happy, but Im not. I am very upset and I dont know what to do with myself anymore. The truth is that I have the worse news of my life. The best part is that I can write on here and none of my friends check it. So I can freely say whats on my mind without the constant words of sorry and we love you. Right now, I dont feel loved. I took a test last week that would determine the rest of my life. The one test that really mattered to me since the first day that I found out that I was sick. I took the test to see if I could have children in my future. Unfortunately, I cant. The one thing that I always wanted, gone. My dreams, my life, shattered. I wish that I could go back in time and just do something, anything, differently. So that I could have my baby girl, the kids that I really pictured in my life. Its all over now. The funny part about the whole thing is that I tried to kill myself right after I found out from the doctor. I drove myself into rush hour traffic, and all I got was a bush in my car! It sucks, I cant even do that right. My soulmate is gone, my kids are gone, my life is over. Its bad when your soulmate tells you he just wants to be friends. Ive known him since Ive truly known me, and he's my better half. He makes me want to be a good person. But its over with us now. I lost him because I dont know how to open up to people, I dont know how to trust, cause Ive been hurt so much by the losers, I lost my one and only person who makes me whole. You would think that Im loose and that I just like to go out and have sex, have fun, drink, smoke, and do whatever. But I really dont. I want to have my husband, and kids, and house. It'll never happen for me now though. I'll just put back up this wall and hope that somehow, one day, it doesnt get broken down. I cant keep going through this. The pain is getting worse, literally. The cyst on my ovaries are killing me. I can barely work anymore. All I want to do is sleep. But I cant do that either, it hurts too much. So I push away the people that matter most to me, my friends and true family. I dont want them to know, that I have an serious illness that I will die from soon. That's partically why I am going back to St.Louis. I want to see them again before I die, just to let them know that I love them. To see their faces and smiles before I close my eyes for the last time. I almost went to the hospital this weekend, but I am so scared. I know that nothing will help me now but the love of my friends and family. Its the only thing that I am holding on to. Just knowing that they love me, makes me alot strong than I should be right now. The stress isnt helping me get better. Thats why I havent went back to school, I dont want to stress myself out to kill myself sooner. I know that my friends care about me, but I dont care about myself enough to fight much longer. I dont want a pity party, thats why I didnt tell anyone. I have kept this secret for way too long. Knowing that one day, it might be it. My hair is starting to fall out. And Im getting weaker. But Im still Precious right?? Well its not like anyones reading this anyway. So no one can answer. I wonder how much it hurts to die? I wonder what happens after I die? Well I'll see very soon I guess. Well thats all I want to write, later
Posted by monique151802
at 2:29 AM EDT
Friday, 21 July 2006
Well since last time, I broke up with my ex, and I felt really bad for awhile but then everything happened and I guess I should share! Okay, so I was really upset after my boyfriend broke up with me. But now, I feel alot better, and its all because of yesterday. Let me start with the morning. I got off of work and my dance partner called saying that we had practice. So I went in to make him happy even though I sooo wasnt. But when I got there, it was a blast. Of course he made us smoothies, and his boyfriend was there. It was so intense and I just made it known that I was the bombshell in the room. Even though felt like screaming when I first got there he made my day. He told me that it was the best dance practice that we had in awhile, so exciting!!!!! Then my girls called and saw that I was down and they suggested that we needed to take my friends going away party to the strippers, yes the sexy southern gentlemen that are on my front page. I had so much fun. There was this new cutie named Denver. What nice piece of eye candy!! He had that nice boy next door look. I was like, wow!!! I guess its true, sex sells! But he's really nice and he knew I liked him so he kept coming over to me and I kept enjoying the view! I ended up taking pictures with him and my other favorite JD. But if I had to choose between the two, I would choose Denver. He's a hottie with just the right amount of body! I must admit, I would do him. By the way, I am gonna scan the pic and put me being bad up here:). I must thank my friend Brandy, she's such a sweetheart! Thanks Brandy! Then today, Anna and I went to North Carolina. I was so in love with the view, I wanted to stay forever. But it was a blast, I'll put those up to when I develop the film. Well now I feel better and no tears amazingly enough, thanks to having great friends. Now I am ready to date again. No never mind, I think I am going to stay single for awhile. Enjoy myself and love me! Well later people, luv ya!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:58 AM EDT
Monday, 17 July 2006
Okay, well I was sitting at home today when I decided that I needed to get up and do something. So I went out to the dance studio and went to talk with my dance partner. I had to ask him a couple of questions that only a man, even a gay man, would know. So I just started to lay it on him and this is what I asked: 1. How do you know when a guy is cheating? 2. How do you trust someone with all your heart and soul? 3. How do you get past the feelings that you just cant trust that person? 4. How can you live with yourself if you realize that you have been lied to and used? And 5. What should I do about my situation with my boyfriend? See I asked him cause he is the only one that really knows all the situations that have come up with me and my man. We talk about our boyfriends with each other, kind of like a big sister. And he always tells he the truth, even if it hurts. So this was his answers: 1. You have a gut feeling. Its like something you just cant shake, something that rattles you to the ends of your bones. Trust me, you'll know. 2. The only people you trust like that is God, and true family. Maybe some friends, but never a man. Men will lie to get what they want and then leave. 3. If you have that feeling, then you cant trust then, nine chances out of ten, they are doing something they have no business doing. 4. Its not your fault that you attract people like that, its just that there are bad people in this world that have no sense of right and wrong. So you shouldnt feel bad. 5. If you feel like its worth fighting for, then why are you second guessing it. There must be some type of flag that is going up that makes you that way. And if you say you love him and you mean it, then why are you doubting him anyway, love and trust go hand and hand. For you to love him, you must trust him. He doesnt seem like a bad person, but I dont know, Im not dating him, you are. So you go with whats best for you. Cause honey, in the end, I dont have to sleep with him! I kind of laughed it off, but he was right. If I cant trust him, I cant love him like I say I do. But I know I love him. But then there is this feeling like something is going on behind my back. Its awlful. So I tried to call my friend Terry, to get a straight guys opinion, but he's out with his girlfriend. So I guess I'll have to wait. Its just that I cant be used again like when I was with my ex fiancee. I wont let myself be used. And I cant shed another tear on him. I cant let myself be that weak. If someone makes you cry, then they arent worth the tears, at least that what my grandmother said. She told me that when I was with my ex., I know she's right. After 90+ years on this earth, she has to be. But I just dont know. Could I be that stupid? Am I that unworthy of love and respect? I doubt it. Well I dont feel like writing anymore. So leave notes, I need some help with this situation. What do ya'll think?
Posted by monique151802
at 12:27 AM EDT
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don't ask
flirty
a-ok
chillin'
blue
happy
hug me
