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Monday, 21 August 2006
Okay, I have come up with a decision for everything that is going on in my life. I have decided to give up on all these guys and do things that make me happy. In fact, if they loved me, then they wouldnt put me through so much stress. I know that it sounds weird, but all this stress is not helping with my health problems. So I have decided to give up on them and get an outlet to make myself happy. So I am going to write again, and paint. I know but painting use to help release stress in my life. So I have been to dance class and everything is so stressful. I had to come up with a program rough draft, and the script for everybody. Its so hard. I guess everything good is alittle hard. I had this awlful dream today that I need to talk about. I was at home and someone came out of the shadows and cut my wrist. I was sitting in a puddle of blood and no one was home. I couldnt find my phone. So I sat there, dying. I couldnt open the door and I was crying and yelling. I passed out and I couldnt feel my body. I finally woke up but it was so intense. I just dont wanna go to sleep anymore. Well thats all that I am writing about today people. Love ya'll lots.
Posted by monique151802
at 11:30 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 22 August 2006 12:28 AM EDT
Okay, so I have been going through everything in my mind, and everything just keeps happening and I dont know what to do with it. So I talked to Loren and I dont know if he loves me, or if I am just one of those girls that he can pass time with. I know that I messed up, but I just keep thinking that maybe he'll forgive me. Maybe Im being stupid, but I love him and he's my soulmate. But I just think that I am one of those women in his life that he has to have and once he does, he'll be done with me. I know, its stupid, but my fear takes over and I cant think straight. It started last week, I talked to him and was asking him about everything, and he said that he was feeling better and that he was waiting to see me. I know that he was like whatever, nobody knows me like him, but I am getting off the subject. Then he was like his laptop died and he had my picture up there with alot of other girls. Okay, so no we are not together, and I have no right to tell him what to do, but I cant stand to hear him talk about other women, it hurts. Then I think, maybe they are prettier than me, maybe I dont have what it takes to be in his life. So I think about giving up. Then I cant imagine my lif without him and I go back to him only to go through the same thing over and over again. Why does he get to me like this? So I dont know, I want to love him, but I cant. I cant stand to think of the fact that my one and only love is gone out of my life, but what should I do? I need help, adivce, something. So, other than that, I have just been keeping myself busy with dance class and work. Im here working now to help out. Oh by the way, can you love someone and then realize that someone else loves you too? How do you deal with that? Well thats all I wanna talk about, later
Posted by monique151802
at 2:34 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, 21 August 2006 2:44 AM EDT
Saturday, 19 August 2006
So I was just sitting here doing some thinking after posting my blog on myspace and I think that I truly know what it is I am going to do when I get back to St.Louis. I want to be happy, and there is no way to do that except to fight for what I want. I have a whole list. But somethings will happen naturally. I want my life back, I want to be free and happy. To sit back and decide what I want to do with my life. Its been weird, my life has always been about what I can do for others and not me, but now I know what I want. I want to sing, dance, dress how I wanna dress, be a nurse, and have fun. My life is so boring right now, I need excitement, and I was always happy in St.Louis. So, that what I look forward to. Well I dont wanna write anymore, getting tired, I'll write later, maybe update on weird things, well later hotties
Posted by monique151802
at 1:13 AM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 19 August 2006 1:14 AM EDT
Friday, 18 August 2006
Okay, I had a bitchin day today. I think that everything is finally going my way. I saw my dance partner today. He came over and we talked about everything. He said that he understands that I love someone but he loves me and he's not giving up. I dont care, cause in the end, I am still coming back home and I dont want any baggage to come with me. Then I got a text message from Jeff saying hey, and I told him that I was coming to NC in sept to see a band and maybe we could hook up and hang out. I know that everyone thinks that I am going to fall back into the same pattern that I was in when I was in high school, but I know who I love, I just dont think that he loves me anymore. Then I got into a disagreement with Anna about how she was like a bum in my house, and her boyfriend and her need to get a job. I just cant stand to see her face some days. She is really pissing me off. I dont know how much more I can take. But all and all, I had a great day. I think that my luck is really turning around for the best, thanks to supportive friends and nice family members. So now, I am back into my meditating everyday, at least twice a day. I think that it totally helps. Well thats all for now, I guess I'll leave it off with a LATER!!!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:28 AM EDT
Wednesday, 16 August 2006
Okay, so laugh if you want but I had a great day today and I am not going to let anything get me down. First off I want to start this off right, I got my CPR certificate. I am sooo happy!!! It also means that I can start my agency job, one step closer to moving back to St.Louis!! I cant believe how much everything has change in just a couple of days. I just am now on something on the lines of shit happens... but how will you handle it?? I am handling it one day at a time. I dont want to be down anymore, I want to be happy. I dont want to be the person that no one wants to be around. I like it that everythings going my way. Its bitchin, can I say that on here?? Oh well, I am. Its not a crime. Anyways, I was talking to reka today and she was like, why are you all happy, I have all rights to be happy. I cant go a day without thinking about moving back to St.Louis and I like that. I will go back to being the person that I like being, with new perks, because lets just say, Im alittle wiser than I was before. By the way, no more man talk. If things happen, they just do. I am not going to get my hopes up and I am not going to let it get to me. That side of me is over. Fun Precious is back, mothers lock your sons up, bartenders lock up your liquor!!!, I made a funny!!! Well thats it for now, I'll write later
Posted by monique151802
at 1:00 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 16 August 2006 1:11 AM EDT
Monday, 14 August 2006
Okay, so I went home after work this morning and I was really beat and upset over everything that happened and that I keep doing to myself. So I watch one of my favorite movies, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castles and I went to sleep. I awoke to find Anna there cleaning up the house. I was like I need to talk to you about something and I dont want you to say anything until I am finished, she was like okay what is it. So I told her about my feelings towards Jeff, Loren and Torry and how they have always been part of like this twisted thing in my head of being love. How out of every guy in my life, I always compared them to one of those two and its been a headache. How I could see my life without them, but I could live this way with them. So I didnt know what to do and I was tired of thinking of ways to show them that I cared about them and I didnt want to choose. Her advice was and I think this may be the smartest thing that Anna has ever said by the way, I had to choose, myself. She said that all this time has went by and if these guys didnt know how I felt, they were clueless. She said that she could even see that I cared about them, but did they care enough about me? Did I? She was so right. I could never understand why I couldnt give someone else my heart, it was because I never knew how to give up the pieces that I had already given up. So she said to let all of them go and start over, I dont know how to though. Its hard when you love someone for so long then you just have to drop it. I dont think that I can, but I will have to try. If I am never loved by anyone else again in my life, at least I will have myself and my love for me, thats all thats important. So am I going to give up on them? They gave up on me, right? So I guess I should let go of my dreams of being happy with any of them. Its that stupid dream that every girl has of being with their high school sweetheart, but its just that, a dream. Reality is alot better and I have to realize that. In fact, I already know, I just have to do whats best for me. Thats to realize that they dont love me like that and to move on with me. Okay, so what do you think, am I being stupid? Leave notes if you want, well later
Posted by monique151802
at 12:03 AM EDT
Sunday, 13 August 2006
I dont know what to do anymore. I promised myself that I wont have sex until I went back to St.Louis. But the one moment that I felt like no one loved me and that I needed attention, I go out and have sex. I think that it is something so wrong with that. Then afterwards I feel like crap. I dont like what I am doing to myself. I dont love the guys that I have sex with, even though they are the same guys everytime, its not like a whore around or anything, I just feel nasty. Its just that everytime that I love someone, its like I set myself up for failure. Like I cant stand to be happy with someone. I cant let myself truly be loved by anyone, cause I never had love like that in my life, just lies. Then, when I finally get love, I cant stand to be rejected later on, so I turn my back on the person just so that I can breathe. The saddest part is that all I ever wanted was to be loved, I think that is all anyone ever wants, but I dont think that I am going to get it. So now I keep sleeping with these guys that I call boytoys, when all that I am playing is myself. Its all that I can do to keep from crying everyday. I see people and they are so in love, why cant I have that? Why cant someone love me for me? So I use my body to get attention and its not the attention that I want. I just want someone to hold me at night, to tell me Im beautiful and acutally mean it. Someone that I can take care of and they can take care of me. Someone that I would marry one day and have their kids. Is that too much to ask for? So now, Im going through everything in my mind and I am asking myself one thing, what do I want out of life? I cant answer the question, cause I think somewhere down the line everything got twisted and now its to a point that I dont know who to talk to, I dont know who to trust, and its so hard to be closed in and not tell people whats on your mind. Whats wrong with me? Please someone help me, I cant take the hurt anymore, the pain. I told my friends that I wont try to commit suicide anymore, but I just cant help but to think about it everyday. I just want to die. I talk to reka about everything now, she's the only person who can just tell me when I am being stupid and when to just do the best thing for me. UPDATE::Okay, Ive done it again, I put myself out there to be rejected. Why am I so stupid? Why do I believe in love and fate when its not true? At least not for me. One of my friends gave me a heads up on someone that said that they missed me and loved me. So I called only to have him DRUNK IN MY EAR!!! I cant do this anymore. So I am going to do something really stupid and I dont care anymore what people think. Im tired of crying, you dont understand. The three men that I loved in my life have hurt me the most. Later
Posted by monique151802
at 12:18 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 13 August 2006 12:44 AM EDT
Wednesday, 9 August 2006
Now today, I was at the doctor, and they said that I must get preganant between oneto two years or I wont be able to get pregnant at all. So I was alittle pissed, who and the hell do they think they are?! I mean, its not like I just have the perfect man waiting in the wings and he's like okay lets get married and have kids. No I dont!!! I mean first, you gottta get to know someone, then you talk about kids, then have a relationship, then you talk about getting married, then you get engaged, then get married, and then you have kids. Thats alot of crap to go through. Especially seeing that I have no one to even consider having a child with, or a relationship. So I guess no kids for me right?? I want to just cry, I mean everything that I hoped for is gone. So now I am going to place all my energy in dance class, work, and moving back to St.Louis. It doesnt help that my dance partner is trying to make me stay though. He said something today that really upset me and now I dont know how to act around him. He asked if he asked me to marry him would I stay in Virginia, and could we have kids? I dont even know him that well, and plus, I dont love him. I am in love with someone else. If your reading this then you know who it is. I just cant let go of the thought of him just telling me he loves me again and that he wants to be with me. Even though I know that it will never happen. Im still hurting. I cant be around him when I go home, cause all I want to do is hug, kiss, and be with him. But I'll never have that. He'll never love me again. Now all I keep doing is playing that evanscence song missing. It explains so much about how I feel about everything. I feel like now that we arent talking and he's moved on, does he feel like something missing in his life? Does he even care? Like the song says, though I died to know you love me, Im all alone. Please, forgive me, but I wont be home again, maybe someday you'll look out, and very consencely you'll say to no one, isnt something missing, isnt someone missing me? I keep hearing that part hoping that maybe he'll hear it too. But I know that its too good to be true and its too damn late. Well thats all I want to talk about right now. I'll write later.
Posted by monique151802
at 12:47 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 9 August 2006 1:07 AM EDT
Tuesday, 8 August 2006
So I have been doing some thinking about my life and I was like why am I putting myself through alot of pain and suffering for nothing. I am alittle upset with the way that my life turned out but I know that it is all my fault. Now I know that everyone is like Precious, dont you think that you are being alittle hard on yourself. NO! I dont! Here's the evidence: 1. Loren is my soulmate! I knew it since the first time that I met him that it was something about him that was special. That I just needed him in my life. But now, we arent even really talking to each other. Its all because I felt insecure about his feelings towards me. I decided on my own not to let my wall down and to let him go on thinking that I didnt trust him. But I do. Its just that I cant help but to think that he could do so much better than me, and he is doing better than me. He has someone that loves him unconditionally. Someone that doesnt question him. And thats who he's with now. I lost him because I cant stand to be without him, now I am without him. 2. My children in my life was always important to me. It was always something that I needed to make me feel like I was leaving something in this world that would carry on my family. They were going to be those pieces in my life that I need to make me feel special. So now I was talking with the doctors and they want to sit down with me and talk about how much time I have left to have children. I never thought that this would happen to me, but it has. 3. Torry, he has been my friend for a while now. But now I cant even stand to hear his voice. He's someone that tried to take that last piece of life that you have left in you and drain it out. I dont think he knows what it means to be a friend. I have tried to be there for him. But between his baby's momma, and the baby, and his court date, I am completely drained. I cant take anymore. So I havent called him in hopes that he wont call me again. Friends are suppose to be there for you, they are suppose to try to hurt you whenever they can. 4. My dance partner, Troy. He's a nice guy but there is just that thing of I am leaving soon and I cant have a relationship right now. I mean, he's perfect. But the timing is off and I know that we could never be together. He's just not someone that I could see myself loving at all. I mean dont get me wrong, he's a great partner, and a great kisser. But I love someone else, and I dont think I could ever love anyone the way that I love the person I have been in love with since middle school/ high school. 5. Virginia- enough said! I cant stand this place. Everything about this place makes me ill. I cant wait to move in November its crazy. So I can get back to being me! I just know that somewhere everything has to work out to where I can finally get to be happy, but when?? When am I actually going to be loved back? When will I get my turn to get what I want? Time will tell but until then, Later!
Posted by monique151802
at 2:08 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 9 August 2006 12:25 AM EDT
Saturday, 5 August 2006
Okay, well today after getting off of work I go home, take a shower and go to sleep. Once I woke up though is when the craziness started. I wake up to a sore throat and a pounding headache. I couldnt even think straight. I was so miserable it was crazy. I think its cause of this crap that my doctor is giving me, its making my immune system very low. So I have decided to stop taking the pain pills again and stick to what I know best, meditating. It has worked in the past, I just have to find a way to get my bum ass friend out of my house long enough to acutally have some peace and quite. The thing is though, that I havent had peace in my life since I started being nice to people again. So I its the universe's way of really trying to fuck with me and piss me off. So I think that I should go back to being mean again. I was fine when I was actually mean to people. I mean I didnt have any problems, I just told people how I felt and how it was going to be. So fuck all this shit, I hope that no one has any ideas of being a smart ass soon, because they will not like me anymore. But anyways back to the subject at hand, I have been sick all day. It has been insane. I heard from my sexy dance partner today and he was like I think that I should come over there and take care of you. I was like no, I dont want to get sick, so stay home and I'll call you if I feel worse. Then I get a weird call from an ex boyfriend and he was like something happened and your not telling me so I figured that I would call and corner you into telling me. Now people, if you know me, you know that cornering me into doing anything is not a good idea. I get very upset, then I end up saying things that I really mean. So I ended up telling him to kiss my ass. He got upset of course and asid that he was just concerned about me and he wanted to know. So I was like fine, I'll tell you everything that has been going on lately. Of course, he was my friend since like first grade, so he knew that it wasnt telling him something. So I told him my secret that I havent told anyone, I mean anyone. I felt like this, if I told everyone what I did, I would get grive about it. The one secret that I said that I would take to my grave and only me and the other person know about it, and I told. Its not a bad thing, but it is very weird. I just think that I shouldnt have told. Now he's all like, are you stupid? You've done something for someone that you cant even do for yourself. He was so mad at me. But I guess that's what friends are for, to tell you when you are being stupid. See the thing is, that I had a child for one of my friends. I just let her use my body. It was all her and her husbands stuff. Ive been keeping this secret for about two years now. The baby is health and happy. Very beautiful, I love that little girl. She's a part of me and I like that. So after that, I went to sleep to try and sleep this sickness off. It didnt work of course. I was awaken by Anna. I cant believe that she just wont go home! I need at least one day to myself. I cant even get that. I love her, but her and her boyfriend are so disrespectful. They dont understand that its my house and some things you just dont do when you are a guest in someone else's house. I seriously need to just get away soon! Well that's it I guess, leave notes if you want, later hotties
Posted by monique151802
at 2:25 AM EDT
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blue
d'oh
chillin'
flirty
a-ok
bright
crushed out
down
don't ask