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My Life
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#1 Fucked And Abused

Saturday, 16 September 2006

What A Way

Okay well I just finished talking to Brandy about everything that has been going on with me as far as men wise. She said that maybe I wanted to be with Jeff because he was always the guy that I couldnt have. With Loren, she says that its different. That everything that is going on with us is because we just are so selfish when it comes to loving each other. 

So I got to thinking, I think that I am going to tell Loren the one piece of the puzzle that has been missing about in my life. I was just upset lately because I have made a child and I couldnt even keep her. Thats the hard part about being a sarrogate. I had to give up a baby that I loved for 9 months. Now I have been thinking about when I would be able to have my own child.

Everyone knows that family is very important to me and I just want to start my own soon. I want someone to love me for me. I know that person is Loren. I love him and he loves me. I dont have to worry anymore, I found the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. That sounds weird right?

I dont want to talk about that anymore, I think I might cry. Okay so anyways, Bransy just came out of her room talking about the guys that she's been talking to and they really treat her bad. I hope that things get better for her. These men that she talks to are horrible. Well thats it for now, later


Posted by monique151802 at 2:19 AM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 16 September 2006 2:24 AM EDT

Sunday, 10 September 2006

So Confused
Mood:  don't ask

Okay, so I have been trying to keep everything to myself even though I promised myself I wouldnt. So I am going to write it on here since no one reads this anyways. I am so confused its crazy. I am really happy to be going home, but I just feel empty right now. I am in love with someone that doesnt know I love him. Then not to mention I am still talking to Jeff and Loren.

I promised myself that I wouldnt talk to Jeff but I am. The sad part about the whole things is that he is married and still flirting with me. I think that its a game to him, so I keep pushing him off the subject of me. I want to do the right thing, but its so hard. Not to mention I still love him, I always will. Just like Loren, they have this part of me that I cant get back.

Its weird, I havent had sex with any of these guys, but I love them. I guess that its cause now I took the time to get to know them, I love what I know. But people change, they move on. Why cant I? Why do I have to keep loving these people that dont love me?

Then not to mention that I was flirting with one of my friends, I feel horrible. I know that nothing is going to happen with this person, but its just that he is one of my friends long time crushes. Even though I told her, I still feel bad. I dont even like him like that. I think its just that I got caught in the moment and I wanted to see what I could really get out of him.

But I dont want to talk about that anymore. Its making me more upset. I need help, I wish I could talk to someone, but I have to keep making everyone think Im okay. Its hard, I just dont think that I can tell everyone everything. Because once I do, I just might lose myself. I dont know how to be me when everyone knows everything about me. Its sad, I feel like I cant trust anyone with myself. No one wants to listen to what I would say anyways, so I keep it to myself.

I love Daryl now, I just cant believe how lucky I am. But I have to go home, but what am I going home to? I wish he could come with me, I wish that I met him earlier, but all the wishing in the world couldnt help me now. I have to let him go, too. I dont want to talk about this anymore, later

Posted by monique151802 at 1:24 AM EDT

Saturday, 9 September 2006

I Must Say.. Im In Love
Mood:  happy

Okay, well its weird that everything has panned out the way that it has but things happen for a reason. Im in love with someone that I just met. Its kind of the same thing that happened when I fell in love with Loren and Jeff. So I know that he must be really special to me. Lets see where should I began????

Well his names Daryl, but I call him Micheal, thats his middle name. He's such a gentleman, he has been since the first day we met. We havent had sex yet but I know that he will just be amazing. In fact, I really dont want to have sex with him. I want to wait. He brings out the best in me, I like that about him, he always brings out the best in me.

He sit down and just look into each others eyes and I know that he feels something, just like me. He keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how he is so lucky, how its too good to be true. Thats exactly how I feel, like somethings gotta go wrong because its too perfect. I have cooked for him a couple of times, he loves my cooking. We sit down and kiss for hours. I just love how his lips feel against mines. He went with me to go get my nose pierced. He was right there. And right now he's being so understanding with everything that is going on in my life. He loves me for me. I love him for him. He's my equal. I know that it sounds weird but the only other person I ever felt like this about is Loren.

I cant explan it, I wanted to move on, just not this fast. He really makes my head spin. Its not like all the other guys I have been with in my past. He's different. I know it sounds typical, but he is. He makes me want to do better just so I can make him proud. I just want to be around him everyday, for the rest of my life. I cant place my finger on it, but it feels like I know him from somewhere, I am so comfortable around him its crazy. I love him.

Well thats all for now hotties, later

Posted by monique151802 at 3:55 AM EDT

Monday, 4 September 2006

Momma Im Coming Home!!!!
Mood:  celebratory

Hello To Everybody That I Love!!!!!!!!!!! I have one main thing to say............... I AM COMING HOME!!! This is so cool! I cant wait to come back. I miss everybody. Okay I must simmer down. Okay I cant, this is BITCHIN! I made my decision this morning when I woke up. I couldnt imagine myself in Virginia anymore. I need to come home were people love me. Where I love them.

I had a bitchin weekend. I went out with friends to celebrate me leaving. I got so wasted that I still dont know what happened Saturday. I feel so raped of my mind. Yeah, ACTION PACKED FUN BABY!!!!!!! Word! Okay, Im alittle happy. Love me! So I am looking into me getting my tattoo. I am so excited. I cant wait. I know what I want, I just have to figure out how much it cost.

Last but not least, I just broke off all ties with everybody that I hated down here, telling them to kiss my ass or give my ass a kiss, which ever they wanted. Well to all my hotties, I love ya'll see ya'll soon. Later!

Posted by monique151802 at 11:28 PM EDT

Thursday, 31 August 2006

So Tell Me Something...
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground

Okay, so I have had a pretty great day today. Well for starters, I broke things off with my boyfriend. All he wanted to talk about was sex and I am not going to reward him with my body. He doesnt know how to treat me so he's gone. I know that it sounds alittle mean but hey, I dont care, he's a loser and I am not going to have another one of those in my life.

Secondly, I went on a date today. I went out with my dance partner. We had a blast. He was a perfect gentleman. He opened doors, bought me flowers, we had great conversation, bought me dinner, then we walked in the park. Just enjoying the scenery. What a gentleman, thats everything that I ever wanted in a guy, someone to treat me right.

Next, I came home and I was about to go to sleep when I hear this knock on my door. It as Miguel. For all of you who dont know he was a guy who I went out with along time ago. We just kind of stopped talking, with him being in the military and me having like two jobs, it was hard. He was like havent seen you in awhile so I decided to come over to make sure that your okay.

So he came in and we talked on the balcony. It was so nice talking to him again. It was like a great ending to a perfect day. I dont know, it seems like someone really wants me to be happy. But you know in the back of my mind, I am still thinking about Loren. I cant help it. I thought that if I kept myself occupied that I would be okay, but its getting harder for me to keep my sanity. I know that I messed up with him, so I am trying to move on, but its so damn hard. Especially when I keep comparing him to all the guys that I date.

Its not that I just have to have a boyfriend, its just fun to have one. Someone to spend time with, someone that you could fall in love with, someone that could love you back, I want that in my life. I want that best friend/boyfriend. But I dont think that it'll happen for me, not in this lifetime. So I am having fun while I still can, at least its something to pass time with. And if Mr. Right is out there, I'll be with him. If not, then at least Im having fun with the Mr. Rightnow. So I have a question for anyone that reads this, how do you get over a first love? How do you get over some you want so bad and they dont want you? Please help!!!! Well later hotties

Posted by monique151802 at 3:06 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 31 August 2006 3:11 AM EDT

Tuesday, 29 August 2006

Embracable You
Mood:  happy

Okay today has been one of those days. Is it just me or can you fall in love with the dream of being in love? I was asked today by my new boyfriend did I think that I could fall in love with him? I got so excited by the fact of falling in love, but everytime that I do, I get hurt. Recently I found out that Jeff was married and it made me realize that I need to let these men go. Its going to be hard but I know its for the best.

I mean I am in love with two guys that are with someone else. Now that Jeff's married, I know that I really have to let him go. See its just that I wont mess around with a married man. With Loren, I havent talked to him in awhile now. I know he tells me not to worry but the truth of the matter is that he is with someone else. Even if he says that they arent like together, its still his girlfriend. I have turned into a whore. I am trying to have someone that isnt even mines.

So the griving period has started. I have took down the pictures and I am taking care of me. I have been mediatating and hanging out with friends. Not to mention I do have a boyfriend now. He's a sweetheart. His name is Casey and he just treats me like a queen. Well I dont want to type anymore so Im done. Leave notes people, later

Posted by monique151802 at 12:42 AM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 29 August 2006 12:51 AM EDT

Monday, 21 August 2006

It Sucks, But...
Mood:  blue

Okay, I have come up with a decision for everything that is going on in my life. I have decided to give up on all these guys and do things that make me happy. In fact, if they loved me, then they wouldnt put me through so much stress. I know that it sounds weird, but all this stress is not helping with my health problems. So I have decided to give up on them and get an outlet to make myself happy. So I am going to write again, and paint. I know but painting use to help release stress in my life.

So I have been to dance class and everything is so stressful. I had to come up with a program rough draft, and the script for everybody. Its so hard. I guess everything good is alittle hard. I had this awlful dream today that I need to talk about.

I was at home and someone came out of the shadows and cut my wrist. I was sitting in a puddle of blood and no one was home. I couldnt find my phone. So I sat there, dying. I couldnt open the door and I was crying and yelling. I passed out and I couldnt feel my body. I finally woke up but it was so intense. I just dont wanna go to sleep anymore. Well thats all that I am writing about today people. Love ya'll lots.

Posted by monique151802 at 11:30 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 22 August 2006 12:28 AM EDT

Things Could Be Weirder, But Why??
Mood:  d'oh

Okay, so I have been going through everything in my mind, and everything just keeps happening and I dont know what to do with it. So I talked to Loren and I dont know if he loves me, or if I am just one of those girls that he can pass time with. I know that I messed up, but I just keep thinking that maybe he'll forgive me. Maybe Im being stupid, but I love him and he's my soulmate. But I just think that I am one of those women in his life that he has to have and once he does, he'll be done with me. I know, its stupid, but my fear takes over and I cant think straight.

It started last week, I talked to him and was asking him about everything, and he said that he was feeling better and that he was waiting to see me. I know that he was like whatever, nobody knows me like him, but I am getting off the subject. Then he was like his laptop died and he had my picture up there with alot of other girls. Okay, so no we are not together, and I have no right to tell him what to do, but I cant stand to hear him talk about other women, it hurts.  Then I think, maybe they are prettier than me, maybe I dont have what it takes to be in his life. So I think about giving up. Then I cant imagine my lif without him and I go back to him only to go through the same thing over and over again. Why does he get to me like this?

So I dont know, I want to love him, but I cant. I cant stand to think of the fact that my one and only love is gone out of my life, but what should I do? I need help, adivce, something. So, other than that, I have just been keeping myself busy with dance class and work. Im here working now to help out. Oh by the way, can you love someone and then realize that someone else loves you too? How do you deal with that? Well thats all I wanna talk about, later

Posted by monique151802 at 2:34 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, 21 August 2006 2:44 AM EDT

Saturday, 19 August 2006

What Can I Say, My Life Is...
Mood:  chillin'

So I was just sitting here doing some thinking after posting my blog on myspace and I think that I truly know what it is I am going to do when I get back to St.Louis. I want to be happy, and there is no way to do that except to fight for what I want. I have a whole list. But somethings will happen naturally. I want my life back, I want to be free and happy. To sit back and decide what I want to do with my life.

Its been weird, my life has always been about what I can do for others and not me, but now I know what I want. I want to sing, dance, dress how I wanna dress, be a nurse, and have fun. My life is so boring right now, I need excitement, and I was always happy in St.Louis. So, that what I look forward to. Well I dont wanna write anymore, getting tired, I'll write later, maybe update on weird things, well later hotties

Posted by monique151802 at 1:13 AM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 19 August 2006 1:14 AM EDT

Friday, 18 August 2006

Its A New Dawn:)
Mood:  flirty

Okay, I had a bitchin day today. I think that everything is finally going my way. I saw my dance partner today. He came over and we talked about everything. He said that he understands that I love someone but he loves me and he's not giving up. I dont care, cause in the end, I am still coming back home and I dont want any baggage to come with me.

Then I got a text message from Jeff saying hey, and I told him that I was coming to NC in sept to see a band and maybe we could hook up and hang out. I know that everyone thinks that I am going to fall back into the same pattern that I was in when I was in high school, but I know who I love, I just dont think that he loves me anymore.

Then I got into a disagreement with Anna about how she was like a bum in my house, and her boyfriend and her need to get a job. I just cant stand to see her face some days. She is really pissing me off. I dont know how much more I can take.

But all and all, I had a great day. I think that my luck is really turning around for the best, thanks to supportive friends and nice family members. So now, I am back into my meditating everyday, at least twice a day. I think that it totally helps. Well thats all for now, I guess I'll leave it off with a LATER!!!Wink

Posted by monique151802 at 12:28 AM EDT

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