Wednesday, 16 August 2006
Why So Blue Panda Bear???
Okay, so laugh if you want but I had a great day today and I am not going to let anything get me down. First off I want to start this off right, I got my CPR certificate. I am sooo happy!!! It also means that I can start my agency job, one step closer to moving back to St.Louis!! I cant believe how much everything has change in just a couple of days. I just am now on something on the lines of shit happens... but how will you handle it?? I am handling it one day at a time.
I dont want to be down anymore, I want to be happy. I dont want to be the person that no one wants to be around. I like it that everythings going my way. Its bitchin, can I say that on here?? Oh well, I am. Its not a crime. Anyways, I was talking to reka today and she was like, why are you all happy, I have all rights to be happy. I cant go a day without thinking about moving back to St.Louis and I like that. I will go back to being the person that I like being, with new perks, because lets just say, Im alittle wiser than I was before.
By the way, no more man talk. If things happen, they just do. I am not going to get my hopes up and I am not going to let it get to me. That side of me is over. Fun Precious is back, mothers lock your sons up, bartenders lock up your liquor!!!, I made a funny!!!
Well thats it for now, I'll write later
Posted by monique151802 at 1:00 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 16 August 2006 1:11 AM EDT
Monday, 14 August 2006
More Awake And Alot Wiser
Okay, so I went home after work this morning and I was really beat and upset over everything that happened and that I keep doing to myself. So I watch one of my favorite movies, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castles and I went to sleep. I awoke to find Anna there cleaning up the house. I was like I need to talk to you about something and I dont want you to say anything until I am finished, she was like okay what is it.
So I told her about my feelings towards Jeff, Loren and Torry and how they have always been part of like this twisted thing in my head of being love. How out of every guy in my life, I always compared them to one of those two and its been a headache. How I could see my life without them, but I could live this way with them. So I didnt know what to do and I was tired of thinking of ways to show them that I cared about them and I didnt want to choose.
Her advice was and I think this may be the smartest thing that Anna has ever said by the way, I had to choose, myself. She said that all this time has went by and if these guys didnt know how I felt, they were clueless. She said that she could even see that I cared about them, but did they care enough about me? Did I? She was so right. I could never understand why I couldnt give someone else my heart, it was because I never knew how to give up the pieces that I had already given up.
So she said to let all of them go and start over, I dont know how to though. Its hard when you love someone for so long then you just have to drop it. I dont think that I can, but I will have to try. If I am never loved by anyone else again in my life, at least I will have myself and my love for me, thats all thats important. So am I going to give up on them? They gave up on me, right?
So I guess I should let go of my dreams of being happy with any of them. Its that stupid dream that every girl has of being with their high school sweetheart, but its just that, a dream. Reality is alot better and I have to realize that. In fact, I already know, I just have to do whats best for me. Thats to realize that they dont love me like that and to move on with me. Okay, so what do you think, am I being stupid? Leave notes if you want, well later
Sunday, 13 August 2006
Whats Wrong With Me
I dont know what to do anymore. I promised myself that I wont have sex until I went back to St.Louis. But the one moment that I felt like no one loved me and that I needed attention, I go out and have sex. I think that it is something so wrong with that. Then afterwards I feel like crap. I dont like what I am doing to myself. I dont love the guys that I have sex with, even though they are the same guys everytime, its not like a whore around or anything, I just feel nasty.
Its just that everytime that I love someone, its like I set myself up for failure. Like I cant stand to be happy with someone. I cant let myself truly be loved by anyone, cause I never had love like that in my life, just lies. Then, when I finally get love, I cant stand to be rejected later on, so I turn my back on the person just so that I can breathe. The saddest part is that all I ever wanted was to be loved, I think that is all anyone ever wants, but I dont think that I am going to get it.
So now I keep sleeping with these guys that I call boytoys, when all that I am playing is myself. Its all that I can do to keep from crying everyday. I see people and they are so in love, why cant I have that? Why cant someone love me for me? So I use my body to get attention and its not the attention that I want. I just want someone to hold me at night, to tell me Im beautiful and acutally mean it. Someone that I can take care of and they can take care of me. Someone that I would marry one day and have their kids. Is that too much to ask for?
So now, Im going through everything in my mind and I am asking myself one thing, what do I want out of life? I cant answer the question, cause I think somewhere down the line everything got twisted and now its to a point that I dont know who to talk to, I dont know who to trust, and its so hard to be closed in and not tell people whats on your mind. Whats wrong with me? Please someone help me, I cant take the hurt anymore, the pain. I told my friends that I wont try to commit suicide anymore, but I just cant help but to think about it everyday. I just want to die. I talk to reka about everything now, she's the only person who can just tell me when I am being stupid and when to just do the best thing for me.
UPDATE::Okay, Ive done it again, I put myself out there to be rejected. Why am I so stupid? Why do I believe in love and fate when its not true? At least not for me. One of my friends gave me a heads up on someone that said that they missed me and loved me. So I called only to have him DRUNK IN MY EAR!!! I cant do this anymore. So I am going to do something really stupid and I dont care anymore what people think. Im tired of crying, you dont understand. The three men that I loved in my life have hurt me the most. Later
Posted by monique151802 at 12:18 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 13 August 2006 12:44 AM EDT
Wednesday, 9 August 2006
Questions Left Unanswered
Now today, I was at the doctor, and they said that I must get preganant between oneto two years or I wont be able to get pregnant at all. So I was alittle pissed, who and the hell do they think they are?! I mean, its not like I just have the perfect man waiting in the wings and he's like okay lets get married and have kids. No I dont!!!
I mean first, you gottta get to know someone, then you talk about kids, then have a relationship, then you talk about getting married, then you get engaged, then get married, and then you have kids. Thats alot of crap to go through. Especially seeing that I have no one to even consider having a child with, or a relationship. So I guess no kids for me right??
I want to just cry, I mean everything that I hoped for is gone. So now I am going to place all my energy in dance class, work, and moving back to St.Louis. It doesnt help that my dance partner is trying to make me stay though. He said something today that really upset me and now I dont know how to act around him.
He asked if he asked me to marry him would I stay in Virginia, and could we have kids? I dont even know him that well, and plus, I dont love him. I am in love with someone else. If your reading this then you know who it is. I just cant let go of the thought of him just telling me he loves me again and that he wants to be with me. Even though I know that it will never happen. Im still hurting. I cant be around him when I go home, cause all I want to do is hug, kiss, and be with him. But I'll never have that. He'll never love me again.
Now all I keep doing is playing that evanscence song missing. It explains so much about how I feel about everything. I feel like now that we arent talking and he's moved on, does he feel like something missing in his life? Does he even care?
Like the song says, though I died to know you love me, Im all alone. Please, forgive me, but I wont be home again, maybe someday you'll look out, and very consencely you'll say to no one, isnt something missing, isnt someone missing me? I keep hearing that part hoping that maybe he'll hear it too. But I know that its too good to be true and its too damn late.
Well thats all I want to talk about right now. I'll write later.
Posted by monique151802 at 12:47 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 9 August 2006 1:07 AM EDT
Tuesday, 8 August 2006
Discoveries and Disappointments
So I have been doing some thinking about my life and I was like why am I putting myself through alot of pain and suffering for nothing. I am alittle upset with the way that my life turned out but I know that it is all my fault. Now I know that everyone is like Precious, dont you think that you are being alittle hard on yourself. NO! I dont! Here's the evidence:
1. Loren is my soulmate! I knew it since the first time that I met him that it was something about him that was special. That I just needed him in my life. But now, we arent even really talking to each other. Its all because I felt insecure about his feelings towards me. I decided on my own not to let my wall down and to let him go on thinking that I didnt trust him. But I do. Its just that I cant help but to think that he could do so much better than me, and he is doing better than me. He has someone that loves him unconditionally. Someone that doesnt question him. And thats who he's with now. I lost him because I cant stand to be without him, now I am without him.
2. My children in my life was always important to me. It was always something that I needed to make me feel like I was leaving something in this world that would carry on my family. They were going to be those pieces in my life that I need to make me feel special. So now I was talking with the doctors and they want to sit down with me and talk about how much time I have left to have children. I never thought that this would happen to me, but it has.
3. Torry, he has been my friend for a while now. But now I cant even stand to hear his voice. He's someone that tried to take that last piece of life that you have left in you and drain it out. I dont think he knows what it means to be a friend. I have tried to be there for him. But between his baby's momma, and the baby, and his court date, I am completely drained. I cant take anymore. So I havent called him in hopes that he wont call me again. Friends are suppose to be there for you, they are suppose to try to hurt you whenever they can.
4. My dance partner, Troy. He's a nice guy but there is just that thing of I am leaving soon and I cant have a relationship right now. I mean, he's perfect. But the timing is off and I know that we could never be together. He's just not someone that I could see myself loving at all. I mean dont get me wrong, he's a great partner, and a great kisser. But I love someone else, and I dont think I could ever love anyone the way that I love the person I have been in love with since middle school/ high school.
5. Virginia- enough said! I cant stand this place. Everything about this place makes me ill. I cant wait to move in November its crazy. So I can get back to being me!
I just know that somewhere everything has to work out to where I can finally get to be happy, but when?? When am I actually going to be loved back? When will I get my turn to get what I want? Time will tell but until then, Later!
Posted by monique151802 at 2:08 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 9 August 2006 12:25 AM EDT
Saturday, 5 August 2006
Okay, well today after getting off of work I go home, take a shower and go to sleep. Once I woke up though is when the craziness started. I wake up to a sore throat and a pounding headache. I couldnt even think straight. I was so miserable it was crazy. I think its cause of this crap that my doctor is giving me, its making my immune system very low.
So I have decided to stop taking the pain pills again and stick to what I know best, meditating. It has worked in the past, I just have to find a way to get my bum ass friend out of my house long enough to acutally have some peace and quite. The thing is though, that I havent had peace in my life since I started being nice to people again.
So I its the universe's way of really trying to fuck with me and piss me off. So I think that I should go back to being mean again. I was fine when I was actually mean to people. I mean I didnt have any problems, I just told people how I felt and how it was going to be. So fuck all this shit, I hope that no one has any ideas of being a smart ass soon, because they will not like me anymore.
But anyways back to the subject at hand, I have been sick all day. It has been insane. I heard from my sexy dance partner today and he was like I think that I should come over there and take care of you. I was like no, I dont want to get sick, so stay home and I'll call you if I feel worse.
Then I get a weird call from an ex boyfriend and he was like something happened and your not telling me so I figured that I would call and corner you into telling me. Now people, if you know me, you know that cornering me into doing anything is not a good idea. I get very upset, then I end up saying things that I really mean.
So I ended up telling him to kiss my ass. He got upset of course and asid that he was just concerned about me and he wanted to know. So I was like fine, I'll tell you everything that has been going on lately. Of course, he was my friend since like first grade, so he knew that it wasnt telling him something. So I told him my secret that I havent told anyone, I mean anyone.
I felt like this, if I told everyone what I did, I would get grive about it. The one secret that I said that I would take to my grave and only me and the other person know about it, and I told. Its not a bad thing, but it is very weird. I just think that I shouldnt have told. Now he's all like, are you stupid? You've done something for someone that you cant even do for yourself. He was so mad at me. But I guess that's what friends are for, to tell you when you are being stupid.
See the thing is, that I had a child for one of my friends. I just let her use my body. It was all her and her husbands stuff. Ive been keeping this secret for about two years now. The baby is health and happy. Very beautiful, I love that little girl. She's a part of me and I like that.
So after that, I went to sleep to try and sleep this sickness off. It didnt work of course. I was awaken by Anna. I cant believe that she just wont go home! I need at least one day to myself. I cant even get that. I love her, but her and her boyfriend are so disrespectful. They dont understand that its my house and some things you just dont do when you are a guest in someone else's house.
I seriously need to just get away soon! Well that's it I guess, leave notes if you want, later hotties
Friday, 4 August 2006
A Great Time In The Books!
Okay, now I wouldnt normally brag, okay yes I would, I had a bitchin time today. I was just on fire and I didnt know why. Okay I guess I should start from the beginning cause thats a great place to start.
So I got up today at about 10 because my slacker best friend down here didnt go to work today and decided to bum out over my house. I mean all day long! I was so upset cause I had just got off of work at about 7 that morning and she just messed up my sleep. I was so mad but I decided to get over it and go ahead and start my day.
So I called my dance partner and I was like, what are you doing for the day? He was like, nothing, just relaxing, ya'll have been working me getting my trained for this teachers assistant position. So I am just staying home for the day. I was like darn, well cant wait to see you but I'll let you relax and go back to sleep. So I got off the phone with him and took my shower and started my day.
I started working out at about 12 and I was working it to the max. Its hard trying to get off weight once you get it on, but I am so close to my goal and I am not stopping until I am back to where I was. So I get a phone call today from Tim. He was like, what are you up to today. I was like nothing, wanna hang out? He was like yeah, can you come get my from the store. I was like sure, I'll be there in about 10 minutes.
So I jump in my Honda, and start to get at least about 50 on a 40, which is normal for me, I really need to stop speeding. I get there and he is looking as good as always. The whole punk rock look really turns me on, plus I wanted to talk to him cause we always have great conversations.
So he gets in and says, did you see that accident that just happened right before up turned into the parking lot? I was like no, what accident? I look back to see this car, almost totaled and the truck that hit her was pretty bad too. I was like, dang, thats something. We started laughing while listening to ozzy on the radio.
So we get to my house, talk alittle bit, have a little fun making fun of each other, then he told me about his situation with his baby's momma. I really hate to use that term, but thats what he said, just repeating it. That woman is giving him pure hell. I was like, you deserve to see your son, tell her to shove it up her ass if she wont let you see him. But then he got alittle upset talking about the situation and I just wanted him to relax. So I gave him a back massage and calmed him down to the best of my ability. I hate to see friends upset.
So I ended up taking him home then I went home only to get a text at about 430. It was Angie, she wanted to know if I wanted to go and see the strippers. Of course I did, I really love southern gentlemen, especially the new guy, Denver. So I was so game to go and spend my money and time with the boys. And plus, it was Rico's Birthday, it was a special day. Rico's a nice guy, gotta tell him Happy Birthday.
So I get ready, and head down to the Banquet. We get there and get this horrible table but cute waiter. He was hot, nice eyes, and not too bad on the body. But thats not what I came for, so I went to see Denver. Only to find out that he is going to be having his own hot seat soon, I gotta start saving up for that!
So I get my picture taking with Denver, he is holding my leg in the picture. I love it when he flirts with me. Then he kissed me on the cheek and I went about my night. I had to be at work. So now, here I am. Stuck in my own little slice of hell and heaven. I cant wait to get back to St.Louis. This place is pissing me off. I think its just some of the people. But today, definitely, was a good day. Well later hotties!
Posted by monique151802 at 2:47 AM EDT
Updated: Friday, 4 August 2006 2:47 AM EDT
Wednesday, 2 August 2006
Crazy New Stuff
Okay, well I guess I should start from where I left off with last time I with last time. Okay since last time I have been back to dance class, in fact, I went today. I had to see him. He's so hot, and I misspelled his name wrong, its Troy. Which it way hot. I went in today and he was like, hey what are you doing here, I thought that you were in the hospital. I was like I was in the hospital, not now. So we went to talk to my dance teacher and she wanted to see us dance with each other. So my old dance partner had already taught him some dances so we went to dancing. It was so intense. I was like wow, I didnt know what to do. I couldnt help but to touch him, its crazy. And when we finished practice my dance teacher called us over and was like, I love how ya'll move together. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife, ya'll are definitely staying together, and you are the new teachers assistant with Precious. Welcome aboard Troy. I was like YES!!! He's all mines. And I didnt have to do a thing.
Then he asked to come to the studio with me tomorrow and I was like of course and he kissed me on the cheek. I almost fell on the floor, its something about his touch. Sigh... But anyways, I have to back track, I'll start with Sunday. Okay, I wasnt feeling well but I decided to go out to dinner with my friends Brita, Brandy, Angie, Andrew, and Mike. Well I got alittle drunk which didnt help with the fact of me being sick so I called out. I was like whatever. But I did get to make Mikes face go all frowned up. I loved it. He came there and was like hey, I was like hey. Then he said what have you been up to, I was like nothing much, just been working, dance class the normal. Then I started talking about my dance partner and my music that I was recording and he was all like blah. So funny.
But Monday was alittle worse. I went to the hospital finally. And they kept me until this morning, which sucks by the way. But I have them do some test and I have to wait until tomorrow so I can know for sure whats going on. So I am alittle excited about that. Then I heard from an old friend, which was kind of good but not really. You see, I still like him, no I love him. I admited it, fine whatever. But he has a piece of me that I cant get back and I hate that. So he was sitting there talking to me and I was loving that we were talking again, but my hopes were up too much. He called me back later and told me he was getting back with his ex! I was so pissed, but my dance partner made me feel better, just thinking about him. I feel like I got a school girl crush. What can I say, I guess I do still believe and love and happiness. But unfortunately, wrong timing. I am still going back to St.Louis, so I guess those dreams will be on hold. Well later!
Posted by monique151802 at 12:46 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 2 August 2006 12:49 AM EDT
Sunday, 30 July 2006
Now this is the weirdest week I have ever had before in my life! What the hell is wrong with people now a days??? Well first, I had a pretty interesting day today. I was awaken by my evil friend Anna. I wanted to cuss her out seeing I was having one of the best dreams that I have had in a long time, but the words wont come. Well first let me go into the dream.
Well I have had the song sexyback, by Justin Timberlake, stuck in my head for about three days now. Seeing that we have to dance off of it and all, I was figuring that this would happen, but the dream was something else. For anyone that has seen the video, Justin is just bring pure sexuality in this song. So in my dream, I literally have sex with Justin. Yes, best dream in a while, not to mention, the song kept playing in the back, like it was a video. Great dream!!!
So now you can see why I was mad. But then I ended up talking to Reka and she yelled at me! I was mad at first, but then I thought about it,she was right. I needed to let all this anger that I have towards men go, cause not all of them are bad. So I did, then I got off the phone with her and tried to take a nap. But when the damn phone kept ringing, I just got up and went to dance class. Only to discover that my dance partner is leaving me and we got a new guy, his name is Troy. So now, he is my dance partner. He is really hot and straight! I am so happy to finally be able to flirt with my dance partner and have fun like I want. Chills.
So after that, I went home, took a quick shower and hawled ass to work. I am so happy right now. Its so great to be able to just say what I want and not worry about anything that people say. Im getting better with the help of my friends, I know that they love me, they have been there for me since my little breakdown after hearing I couldnt have kids. I love them all. Well I wrote enough on this thing, lets wind down with a later!
Posted by monique151802 at 12:41 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 30 July 2006 12:42 AM EDT
Saturday, 29 July 2006
Okay, now if everybody says that shit happens and thigs will work out on its own, when does that crap happen???? Now I know that all I might do is complain on here but its because I cant say what I want to when I am talking to people or face to face with people. I am very quite and to myself. I dont want to hurt anyones feelings and I dont want anyone to hate me. So I keep things bottled up. I have lost someone very dear to my life lately cause I dont open up my heart, I never have. When I do, I get hurt. So I have up this wall to protect me against everyone. I know that its bad but what can I do. Its just one of the things that I have to grow out of.
But lately I have given up on love. Thats right me, I grew up with all the meant for me crap and soulmates. IT DOESNT EXIST!! At least not for me. Its hard when something that you believed in for so long is gone. So now, I have been trying to go through my life without the thought of being with someone for the rest of my life. I know that it sounds crazy, but I know that is how I am going to be, alone. I am going back to st.louis in sept. I already made the request. So it looks like I will be there for the week of the 11th. I CANT WAIT!!!!
I made a CD! Isnt it exciting?!?!?!?! Well I am not going to share it with anyone. I just dont want anyone else hearing it. Im not ready for that in my life. Its just not something I think I want to do. Even though everyone is trying to convince me otherwise. I just cant. I feel like Im not that good. So I cant do it.
Now I am talking to these dumb ass guys that think I am really falling for their crap. Its like, I love you baby, I want to marry you, blah, blah BLAH!!!!! I dont want to hear that! I dont care! I just want someone to pass the time with. Well thats all I want to talk about now... So, later:)
Posted by monique151802 at 12:39 AM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 29 July 2006 12:52 AM EDT