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Wednesday, 28 June 2006
Okay Maybe Im Not Sane!!!
Mood:
 celebratory
Now Playing: Ms. Murder by AFI
Okay, so just when everything was starting to go my way, shit happens. Isnt that how it always goes. You get happy for just a moment but then, shit happens! Okay well let me start from the beginning. First let me start by saying ITS ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY!!!! SO PASS THE 40TIES AND LETS GET TO DRINKING!!! Okay so now that is out of my system, let me say what happened. Well I get off this morning, I talked to my cuddle bunny, aka red, aka Loren, from now on its cuddle bunny or teddy bear, sue me I like to call pet names, just not in bed! And I was on top of the world. I am so in love with him, just hearing his voice makes my day better. So anyways, I went into the house got off the phone with Red and I called myself trying to get some sleep, seeing as if I just got off of doing a 13 hour shift, but did I get sleep.... HELL NO!!! I kept having all my exs calling me, stalking me. Its weird, these guys didnt even call me this much when we were dating now they are all like, I love you, marry me, leave your boyfriend. You know what I say to that, thats a HELLLL FUCKKK NOOOO!! I love my man, and I respect him. Its bad enough that I pick up the phone to talk to these sorry fucks but now I have to listen to their crap too? So anyways, I was trying to get a grip on everything, but then I remember, June 27th, its my dad's birthday! So I pop up and go get some balloons, I already had a present for him. I get to his house and he's sick, poor daddy:(! So I do my best the be a great daughter and go around to everyone and get his presents. Then he ask " What do you want for your birthday?" Part of me just wanted to scream out NEW COMPUTER! But of course I said, "Im not sure, whatever" Which makes me start to wonder, am I sane! No comment reka cause I know you. Anyways, I went back to my house only to remember that I had to get some things for my hair, cause its getting done tomorrow, which is now techically today. So I went to the store and got my stuff, went to go get something to eat and went home. I finally got some sleep at about 7 this afternoon. Which by the way, truly suck, cause I didnt even eat anything, I ended up putting it in the frig, cause I dont want to eat then lay down, thats how you get fat! So I get up tonight, get ready for work and watch alittle t.v., which by the way, I still didnt eat until like 1 this morning. So I went all day without food, again. I really need to stop doing that. Not to mention, now I have to plan for my birthday. Stress I tell you, STOP THE MADDNESS!!!!!! I have to force myself to do anything besides workout and drink. Its bad when drinking seems better than everything else in life, lol. I guess thats part of being 21, oh no, almost 22 now!! Well this is getting long and I am growing tired of typing about nothing now, so later!!!♥
Posted by monique151802
at 2:10 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 28 June 2006 2:32 AM EDT
Friday, 23 June 2006
Why Is This Happening To Me?????
Mood:
 hug me
Now Playing: Dreaming Of You By Selena
Okay, now today started off pretty well. I talked to my Loren before I went to sleep and all was well. I love talking to him. He just makes me feel so good and he knows it. Its something about his voice that just makes everything better. I love him so much. Well enough with the mushy stuff. We talked until we basically almost fell asleep on each other.
So I went to sleep, woke up and had all these text messages on my phone. So I slowly start returning the texts, then that's when I see it, the most unlikely person texted me. Wanna know who it was.... take a guess... It was Jeff. Now normally I would have been thrilled to hear from him. But I really didnt know if I wanted to answer or not. Seeing that I knew that things between me and him are very weird and I dont want to make things weird than they are. So I read his text and he was like. Hey precious, just wanted to let you know that I was okay. I have been really busy so dont worry about me. I'll try to call you later, bye:).
Part of me screamed inside cause I knew that this couldnt be good. This type of thing just doesnt happen to just everyone, just me!!! Its weird, that a few months ago things were extremely different. I loved Jeff with all my heart and soul. I thought that deep down I wanted to be with him. But I was so wrong. I made the right choice. I choose Loren, hands down. But now, Jeff and I cant really talk. I dont know if its just that I dont want to bring up the past with him, or I think that I may have feelings for him. Whatever it is, it cant be good.
So I did some meditating, and I came to a conclusion. I cant trust myself around Jeff. Its not that I think that something would happen, its just that I dont think that I can stand to be in the same room with him. The mere thought of it makes me sick. I feel like he used me to try and sleep with me, make me back up plan. I cant be his back up plan, Im way too good for that. So I decided to make sure that this issue could never come up later on. I know, it seems selfish seeing as if he just tried to take his own life and I should be there for him, but I cant take that chance, not anymore.
So after that, I got a text from Mike. Seeing how I was doing and wondering if he could get a back massage, yeah right!! I then heard later from Anna that she got the same damn text! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! Who and the hell does he think that he is? Does he really think that he can have two friends?? Did he think that I would find out??? Well, sorry dumbass, I did!! And I dont want anything else to do with him. Its a wrap.
So now I am trying to plan my birthday out, since I have that day off. I am going to make the most of it. Well Later freaks, geeks, and everyone in between!!! Im out!!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:45 AM EDT
Wednesday, 21 June 2006
Who and The Hell Does He Think He Is?????
Mood:
 irritated
Topic: My Life
Now I guess the I have to bring this up cause it has been bothering me since it happened. I was talking on the phone the other day and I get this text, and you will never believe who it is. It was Tom. Now for everyone that doesnt know the background on everything, Tom and I were talking and he said that he was going to call me, but of course he never did. So now, about a month later, this bitch decides to call me and says, "I want to talk to you." "What in the hell do you want to talk to me about, what about you disappearing off the face of the earth?" "Well see there is a very good reason why I didnt call you." "And what reason was that, you got what you wanted and now you dont want me anymore? Matter of fact, why are you calling me? What are you horny and you need to help out your urge?" "No, if you let me tell you I will, my ship had to deploy and I wasnt able to call you." "Okay so thats for email too, cause I know that your boat has email." "Precious I am trying to say that I am sorry, I like you alot. I didnt want to seem like an ass, please forgive me." "Fine what do you want?" "A second chance, to show you that I am a nice person." "Okay, but as a friend, cause I dont trust you."
So now I am pissed cause this ass decided to call me and make my week pissy. I hate him!!!! Not to mention, that I was in a really good mood seeing that I talked to my baby Loren. He really makes me feel special. I love him so much.
I went to the beach the other day and I had a blast. I played in the ocean, and sat in the sand for hours. It was amazing, I love to be around water, you can truly tell that I am a cancer, water soothes me.
Well thats it for today, hopefully more tomorrow. Later!!!!!
Posted by monique151802
at 11:27 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 22 June 2006 1:47 AM EDT
Sunday, 18 June 2006
Whats A Girl To Do???
Mood:
 special
Now Playing: Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse
Topic: My Life
Well first let me start by I feel a little better. I have been talking to my friends and they have been letting me know that they are here for me. Its funny, I never knew how awesome my friends were until I told the truth. But the best part is that I have decided to let go of this high school crush and be with the one person that knows me inside and out. This person has loved me longer than anyone that I have ever been with, and it is one of the guys that I have been talking about. Do you wanna know who it is??????? .....Well...., its Loren. He has been like the rock that I needed when things get hard. Now that everything has changed in my life and I know exactly what I am here on this earth for, I have a grip on my life and my reality. It cool, that now I can talk freely and be myself. So first, I am a practicing pagan, now I am still a Christian for everyone that's about to be like, devil child and all that mess, but I love nature, and I love to celebrate that. Next, I have been talking to only true friends. It seems like I was lost in some type of twisted reality and I thought that I could count on everyone, not true. In fact, I only have like four true friends right now. They care for me like I care about them. They are Loren, Reka, Anna, and Adrienne. They love me just for who I am, and I like that. Next, I let go of the past. I had to let go of the anger, and fear that I had bottled up inside of me for years. So now, I an honestly say that I feel a little better about things. Last but not least, I can say now, I love myself!!!!! Yes it sounds really conceited, but I do. I love that I love rock music, I love that I write rock music, I love that I love that ocean and that I love poetry. That I love sex, and that I am comfortable with my sexuality. Yes I am people, I can say that I like my body, but I still have work to do. And last but not least, I love dancing and singing. I live for those. Its where I can let go of everything that bothers me in the world and go into my little space and hide. Okay I am done for now, later!!!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:22 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 18 June 2006 12:44 AM EDT
Friday, 16 June 2006
What I Did.
Mood:
 down
Topic: My Life
Okay I am finally coming clean. I read some stuff today and I am not proud of what I have been doing, but I want to tell the truth. Everyday, for the last past two weeks, I have tried to kill myself. This morning, I was almost very successful. I read somewhere that if you mix a certain drink and ambien, which I am on, you can kill yourself. So today, I went and mixed the two, and I couldnt wake up. I didnt wake up until I got beat up by my friend tonight at about 7. I was really disorientated and I couldnt breathe. So I was thinking, no one cares what happens, no one cares if I die. I have had a best friend day when I was younger that I never got over, then alot of family members. The family that I have left dont care if I am here or not. The only friends that I have are back in St.Louis and I am scared that I am losing them. I feel out of place. I have never been the popular one so I dont expect for people to care. What can I look forward to. My life has been a horrible mess. I have been raped twice, I have almost been molested by my step father, lied to and beat by my mom, my real dad beat me. Where do I belong? And the worse part is the guy that I love doesnt love me and I know it. the fact of the matter is that I am alone in this world. All the guys just want to have sex with me and leave me, and all the real friends that I have are not around. It makes me want to go home and try again. I dont want to make it to my next birthday. Everyday I wish that someone would come and kill me. But it never happens. The more I am on this earth, the more I will try. Jeff tried to kill himself and I just cant take this anymore. So if this is the last entry I love you all.
Posted by monique151802
at 12:37 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 18 June 2006 12:44 AM EDT
Thursday, 15 June 2006
Tired of this
Mood:
 crushed out
Topic: My Life
Okay, now for my first entry, I am going to start with a small introduction. My name is Precious, I live in Virginia, I am from St.Louis. I am 21 years old. I am trying to get my life together, but unfortunately, I am suck in a place in my life where I am not happy. Now for the juice stuff. I have loved and lost. I have tried to hide the fact that I am hurting but the truth is winning out. I am in love with two men. One's name is Loren. I have known him since middle school and he's changed alot, but what happens with us is that it was suppose to be me and him. But he is with his girlfriend back in St.Louis. So with me and him,its complicated. Now the other guy is Jeff. I have known Jeff since high school. We dated briefly but nothing serious. I just told him recently that I loved him, then he was with some girl and I knew that I had no chance in hell with him. Now he is not dating her but he is not telling me how he feels. I have always been in love with them, but everything has been so complicated. life has been hell with that. So I tried to replace them, that didnt work. So now I have vowed to make myself happy, by driving my friend insane talking about them. So me and my friend Shareka have taken it upon ourselves to help each other out with our love lives. I help her get her guy, and she helps me. She seems to think that Loren and I belong together, and I dont doubt that, but I dont know if he really wants to be with me. So I have tried to put that in the back of my mind and go for Jeff. So reka is helping get with Jeff. She told him that I cant stop talking about him and that he needs to call me to talk about me. I cant wait until he does call so that I can get a handle on things. Until then I am unpatiently hanging onto the notion that we will be together. So now you know my warped life in relationships. Now for work stuff. I am a nurse, I am back in school for my R.N., I cant wait for the moment when I get it, I am going to buy a house. Next friends, I have awesome friends that you will hear about more as this thing progresses. So I wont go there right now. So for now, later
Posted by monique151802
at 2:52 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 18 June 2006 12:44 AM EDT
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