| « | July 2006 | » | ||||
 |
||||||
| S | M | T | W | T | F | S |
| 1 | ||||||
| 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
| 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 |
| 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 |
| 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 |
| 30 | 31 | |||||
You are not logged in.
Log in
| « | July 2006 | » | ||||
|
||||||
| S | M | T | W | T | F | S |
| 1 | ||||||
| 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
| 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 |
| 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 |
| 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 |
| 30 | 31 | |||||
|
Thursday, 27 July 2006
Okay, so Im not really sure what I should do with my new found information about myself, so of course, I am going to do somethings that I havent done in a very long time. First off, I am changing my outfits. Yes, now most people would say, Precious that is very minor but you dont know me. My whole life, I wanted to dress like I wanted to dress. But I have been so scared because of what everyone else might think about me that I didnt. So now, Im starting small. For starters, I came to work today with my ball necklace on. I havent worn it since I was in high school. Its weird how you think that you know someone and you dont. Second, I have decided to start dating again. Now I know that I said no more men until I get back to St.Louis, but screw that. I thought that I was going home to someone, now Im not. So I think that it is best for me to go ahead and try out some more of these hotties in Virginia. Speaking of which, there are these two hotties that I just happened to stubble across recently. Their names are Tim and Josh. They both have this whole bad boy look that I love. Its really hot and they love to do what I like to do, so I think that it will work out just fine. Third, fuck the world. Yes I said it. This world has done nothing but screwed me over. I am so sick of these people coming to me with their minor problems and then expect for me to actually give a fuck. Hey this is a small thought, how about your not slowly dying like me, or better yet, you have time to actually fix your problem. I dont think that I have that much time left, so I am going to use it to the fullest. No more bullshit, please. I know that I am suppose to be the nice one, but nice is overrated. It gets you nothing but heartache, and pain. I am tired of both, so screw that and screw you if you dont like me. I could give a rats ass about what you think about me. I am naturally mean right now. I have been in pain since I was 13 years old. I am now 22, it doesnt get better, trust me. Fourth, I am giving up on true love. I know that I have said this in the past to random friends but this time I mean it. True love doesnt exist. Its just something that the tv shows and the government want you to think is true. Wake up people, its not there. The divorce rate is up because all that is left in this world is assholes and liars. We should not try to find something that doesnt exist. So there it is, sorry people. The Precious that exist in Virginia, Im leaving that bitch right here. Time to go back to the person that everyone loved to hate. Trust and believe, that I know no one reads this, but its fun to sit here and go on and on about what I am going to do and no one even knows that its coming. Im just a little pissed off that I have to go through the rest of my life without the one thing that I always wanted. So I am going to do what I want to do. If I want to have sex with every sexy guy I see, I will. Maybe after I get past that whole shy thing, I will learn how to do that. Its hard when you go up to someone and try to talk and nothing comes out. Its like you go retarded or something. I guess thats and understatement. Especially for me, I never was one to go and tell a guy I like them. Fear of rejection I guess. One of the many things that I am going to try to change about myself. Well to whatever, what the hell am I saying, Im talking to myself, haha. I guess this ends here. I dont want to give away everything, that would just be well whatever.
Posted by monique151802
at 3:09 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 27 July 2006 3:10 AM EDT
Tuesday, 25 July 2006
Okay, now I wish that I could tell you that my life was a story book life and that I was happy, but Im not. I am very upset and I dont know what to do with myself anymore. The truth is that I have the worse news of my life. The best part is that I can write on here and none of my friends check it. So I can freely say whats on my mind without the constant words of sorry and we love you. Right now, I dont feel loved. I took a test last week that would determine the rest of my life. The one test that really mattered to me since the first day that I found out that I was sick. I took the test to see if I could have children in my future. Unfortunately, I cant. The one thing that I always wanted, gone. My dreams, my life, shattered. I wish that I could go back in time and just do something, anything, differently. So that I could have my baby girl, the kids that I really pictured in my life. Its all over now. The funny part about the whole thing is that I tried to kill myself right after I found out from the doctor. I drove myself into rush hour traffic, and all I got was a bush in my car! It sucks, I cant even do that right. My soulmate is gone, my kids are gone, my life is over. Its bad when your soulmate tells you he just wants to be friends. Ive known him since Ive truly known me, and he's my better half. He makes me want to be a good person. But its over with us now. I lost him because I dont know how to open up to people, I dont know how to trust, cause Ive been hurt so much by the losers, I lost my one and only person who makes me whole. You would think that Im loose and that I just like to go out and have sex, have fun, drink, smoke, and do whatever. But I really dont. I want to have my husband, and kids, and house. It'll never happen for me now though. I'll just put back up this wall and hope that somehow, one day, it doesnt get broken down. I cant keep going through this. The pain is getting worse, literally. The cyst on my ovaries are killing me. I can barely work anymore. All I want to do is sleep. But I cant do that either, it hurts too much. So I push away the people that matter most to me, my friends and true family. I dont want them to know, that I have an serious illness that I will die from soon. That's partically why I am going back to St.Louis. I want to see them again before I die, just to let them know that I love them. To see their faces and smiles before I close my eyes for the last time. I almost went to the hospital this weekend, but I am so scared. I know that nothing will help me now but the love of my friends and family. Its the only thing that I am holding on to. Just knowing that they love me, makes me alot strong than I should be right now. The stress isnt helping me get better. Thats why I havent went back to school, I dont want to stress myself out to kill myself sooner. I know that my friends care about me, but I dont care about myself enough to fight much longer. I dont want a pity party, thats why I didnt tell anyone. I have kept this secret for way too long. Knowing that one day, it might be it. My hair is starting to fall out. And Im getting weaker. But Im still Precious right?? Well its not like anyones reading this anyway. So no one can answer. I wonder how much it hurts to die? I wonder what happens after I die? Well I'll see very soon I guess. Well thats all I want to write, later
Posted by monique151802
at 2:29 AM EDT
Friday, 21 July 2006
Well since last time, I broke up with my ex, and I felt really bad for awhile but then everything happened and I guess I should share! Okay, so I was really upset after my boyfriend broke up with me. But now, I feel alot better, and its all because of yesterday. Let me start with the morning. I got off of work and my dance partner called saying that we had practice. So I went in to make him happy even though I sooo wasnt. But when I got there, it was a blast. Of course he made us smoothies, and his boyfriend was there. It was so intense and I just made it known that I was the bombshell in the room. Even though felt like screaming when I first got there he made my day. He told me that it was the best dance practice that we had in awhile, so exciting!!!!! Then my girls called and saw that I was down and they suggested that we needed to take my friends going away party to the strippers, yes the sexy southern gentlemen that are on my front page. I had so much fun. There was this new cutie named Denver. What nice piece of eye candy!! He had that nice boy next door look. I was like, wow!!! I guess its true, sex sells! But he's really nice and he knew I liked him so he kept coming over to me and I kept enjoying the view! I ended up taking pictures with him and my other favorite JD. But if I had to choose between the two, I would choose Denver. He's a hottie with just the right amount of body! I must admit, I would do him. By the way, I am gonna scan the pic and put me being bad up here:). I must thank my friend Brandy, she's such a sweetheart! Thanks Brandy! Then today, Anna and I went to North Carolina. I was so in love with the view, I wanted to stay forever. But it was a blast, I'll put those up to when I develop the film. Well now I feel better and no tears amazingly enough, thanks to having great friends. Now I am ready to date again. No never mind, I think I am going to stay single for awhile. Enjoy myself and love me! Well later people, luv ya!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:58 AM EDT
Monday, 17 July 2006
Okay, well I was sitting at home today when I decided that I needed to get up and do something. So I went out to the dance studio and went to talk with my dance partner. I had to ask him a couple of questions that only a man, even a gay man, would know. So I just started to lay it on him and this is what I asked: 1. How do you know when a guy is cheating? 2. How do you trust someone with all your heart and soul? 3. How do you get past the feelings that you just cant trust that person? 4. How can you live with yourself if you realize that you have been lied to and used? And 5. What should I do about my situation with my boyfriend? See I asked him cause he is the only one that really knows all the situations that have come up with me and my man. We talk about our boyfriends with each other, kind of like a big sister. And he always tells he the truth, even if it hurts. So this was his answers: 1. You have a gut feeling. Its like something you just cant shake, something that rattles you to the ends of your bones. Trust me, you'll know. 2. The only people you trust like that is God, and true family. Maybe some friends, but never a man. Men will lie to get what they want and then leave. 3. If you have that feeling, then you cant trust then, nine chances out of ten, they are doing something they have no business doing. 4. Its not your fault that you attract people like that, its just that there are bad people in this world that have no sense of right and wrong. So you shouldnt feel bad. 5. If you feel like its worth fighting for, then why are you second guessing it. There must be some type of flag that is going up that makes you that way. And if you say you love him and you mean it, then why are you doubting him anyway, love and trust go hand and hand. For you to love him, you must trust him. He doesnt seem like a bad person, but I dont know, Im not dating him, you are. So you go with whats best for you. Cause honey, in the end, I dont have to sleep with him! I kind of laughed it off, but he was right. If I cant trust him, I cant love him like I say I do. But I know I love him. But then there is this feeling like something is going on behind my back. Its awlful. So I tried to call my friend Terry, to get a straight guys opinion, but he's out with his girlfriend. So I guess I'll have to wait. Its just that I cant be used again like when I was with my ex fiancee. I wont let myself be used. And I cant shed another tear on him. I cant let myself be that weak. If someone makes you cry, then they arent worth the tears, at least that what my grandmother said. She told me that when I was with my ex., I know she's right. After 90+ years on this earth, she has to be. But I just dont know. Could I be that stupid? Am I that unworthy of love and respect? I doubt it. Well I dont feel like writing anymore. So leave notes, I need some help with this situation. What do ya'll think?
Posted by monique151802
at 12:27 AM EDT
Sunday, 16 July 2006
Okay so I guess I could start from the beginning cause thats always a great place to start. Ive bitten off more than I could chew this time. Well I talked to my honey this morning and him and I are just fine. He reassured me that everything would work out the way we planned it. We love each other very much and I dont think that anything is going to change that. He's my heart and soul. So after that I was on cloud nine all day. It made my day go by alot quicker. He's the sweetest guy in the whole world. I had to make him go to sleep today. He's so cute when he's tired. He starts slurring his words and it makes him sound so adorable. Not to mention his regular voice turns me on so much that its crazy. I like how its so just umm. You know what I mean. I would do anything for him. But let me stop talking about that, its starting to make me wanna go home badly. Then, I went to talk to a friend, and she's all happy about this guy she's seeing. I think that all of us are finding our true loves. Its good to see friends happy. But then, the shit hit the fan. It was like nothing that I had ever been in before. My family and I that are down here are in a war because I wont be their puppet. I hate for people to try to make me over. Im not that type of person. Ive already changed way too much. So I came to a conclusion today. FUCK THEM!!!!! I refuse to change my existance to make someone else happy. If they dont like me for who I am, then I wish for them to do nothing better than to kiss my ass. And no, I am not backing down from this one. So now that I am back to normal, things are gonna change. The old bitchy precious is back with a vengance. Im sorry if you dont like it, hold on fuck that, Im not sorry! You can kiss my ass too if you dont like me. Its not like you do anything for me! So the smart ass remarks that people might think about me, expect for them to get worse. Cause implanted in your mind, I am a gullable, young child who you think doesnt know shit. But I got news for you, Ive been through shit that would make the average person snap. Im a strong brave woman who can hold her own. If I am with someone, its cause I love them, not cause I need them. I dont live for a man, though it is very nice. I live because that is what I want. I want to be better than you think I am, and trust, I already am better. But with age comes attitude, and wisdom. With age comes love, compassion, understanding. So now understand this. If you dont choose to like me, then love to kiss my ass. Sorry, I just get on the thing of I am already upset and someone else pisses me off. Didnt mean to go that far, but whatever. So other than that, my dance class has another great performance coming up and I cant wait. Its a little nerve wecking but it'll be great. Well thats it for now. Later!!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:39 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 16 July 2006 12:42 AM EDT
Monday, 10 July 2006
Okay well me trying to lighten up the mood but for some odd reason I cant. I have been dumped over email non the less. Its bad when you put your trust in someone only to be let down. I loved him you know. But after doing a much needed hissy fit session, I am okay. I cant believe though that he thought that I would cheat, never ever would I do that to someone I cared about. So I guess its a whatever and have a nice fuckin day. I still feeel stupid though. On a good note, I had someone write a song about me. Its actually pretty sweet and good. I was really surprised cause I never had anyone write a song about me, well for all of you that havent read it here it is: To the teller down at the bank Isnt that the sweetest thing that you ever heard:). It kind of made my day. After all the drama of everything. But you know what, whats another mans lost is the other mans gain. Well later!!!
Posted by monique151802
at 11:54 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 11 July 2006 12:02 AM EDT
Tuesday, 4 July 2006
Okay well lately I have been trying to do things that are best for me. Trying to clean up the mess that I have made. Its just that I dont know what to do next. First off, I dont want to disappoint my dad. I know that he wants me to stay but I cant stay in virginia any longer, I hate this place. Nothing that I do is never good enough here. It isnt like its a big city, or even that I make alot here. I am just miserable. No one cares here. For instance, I had a birthday recently, my family didnt do shit for me here. But for my step sisters birthday, they went all out with all these damn balloons and cards and persents. You know what I got from my family her, 60 dollars. Thats it, not even a damn cake! Just the little shit like that pisses me off. And today, they had a bbq, and didnt even invite me. So I just stayed at home and went to sleep until I had to come to work today. I am so mad. Second, I cant stand people who think that they can say anything that they want and get away with it. I am so tired of playing 5th rate and a second rate film. Its just that I thought that everything would be different, but I guess I was wrong. Being around people wondering if they truly care about me and they dont. Why do I do this to myself? I am going back to St.Louis. I cant stand the thought of living the rest of my life here. I might go insane. If I stay here I know for sure that I will try to kill myself again. I dont want to talk anymore. Later
Posted by monique151802
at 11:56 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 5 July 2006 12:08 AM EDT
Monday, 3 July 2006
Posted by monique151802
at 1:29 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 5 July 2006 2:49 AM EDT
Saturday, 1 July 2006
Posted by monique151802
at 12:35 AM EDT
Thursday, 29 June 2006
Posted by monique151802
at 2:52 AM EDT
|
blue
happy
hug me
irritated
sad
mischievious