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Monday, 10 July 2006
Why Me!!!!
Mood:
 sad
Now Playing: Everybody's Fool by Evanscence
Okay well me trying to lighten up the mood but for some odd reason I cant. I have been dumped over email non the less. Its bad when you put your trust in someone only to be let down. I loved him you know. But after doing a much needed hissy fit session, I am okay. I cant believe though that he thought that I would cheat, never ever would I do that to someone I cared about. So I guess its a whatever and have a nice fuckin day. I still feeel stupid though. On a good note, I had someone write a song about me. Its actually pretty sweet and good. I was really surprised cause I never had anyone write a song about me, well for all of you that havent read it here it is: To the teller down at the bank
You're just another checking account
To the plumber that came today
You're just another house
At the airport ticket counter
You're just another fare
At the beauty shop at the mall
Well you're just another head of hair
Well that's alright, that's ok
If you don't feel important, honey
All I've got to say is
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world
To the waiter at the restaurant
You're just another tip
To the guy at the ice cream shop
You're just another dip
When you can't get reservations
'Cause you don't have the clout
Or you didn't get an invitation
'Cause somebody left you out
That's alright, that's ok
When you don't feel important honey
All I've got to say is
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world
You think you're one of millions but you're one in a million to me
When you wonder if you matter, baby look into my eyes
And tell me, can't you see you're everything to me
That's alright, that's ok
When you don't feel important honey
All I've gotta say is
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world
Isnt that the sweetest thing that you ever heard:). It kind of made my day. After all the drama of everything. But you know what, whats another mans lost is the other mans gain. Well later!!!
Posted by monique151802
at 11:54 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 11 July 2006 12:02 AM EDT
Tuesday, 4 July 2006
Tired Of Lies!
Mood:
 irritated
Now Playing: missing by evanscence
Okay well lately I have been trying to do things that are best for me. Trying to clean up the mess that I have made. Its just that I dont know what to do next. First off, I dont want to disappoint my dad. I know that he wants me to stay but I cant stay in virginia any longer, I hate this place. Nothing that I do is never good enough here. It isnt like its a big city, or even that I make alot here. I am just miserable. No one cares here. For instance, I had a birthday recently, my family didnt do shit for me here. But for my step sisters birthday, they went all out with all these damn balloons and cards and persents. You know what I got from my family her, 60 dollars. Thats it, not even a damn cake! Just the little shit like that pisses me off. And today, they had a bbq, and didnt even invite me. So I just stayed at home and went to sleep until I had to come to work today. I am so mad. Second, I cant stand people who think that they can say anything that they want and get away with it. I am so tired of playing 5th rate and a second rate film. Its just that I thought that everything would be different, but I guess I was wrong. Being around people wondering if they truly care about me and they dont. Why do I do this to myself? I am going back to St.Louis. I cant stand the thought of living the rest of my life here. I might go insane. If I stay here I know for sure that I will try to kill myself again. I dont want to talk anymore. Later
Posted by monique151802
at 11:56 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 5 July 2006 12:08 AM EDT
Monday, 3 July 2006
Coming Clean And Leaving Behind
Mood:
 blue
Now I have never once told anyone everything about my life and everything that it contains. I never once told my friends cause I didnt think that they would understand. I couldnt tell my family cause they were never there for me anyways. So I kept it to myself, until now. I told one of my biggest secrets tonight and I must say that it feels good to get out. well I dont feel like talking anymore, so, write later
Posted by monique151802
at 1:29 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 5 July 2006 2:49 AM EDT
Saturday, 1 July 2006
Bitchin Ass Birthday!!!!
Mood:
 mischievious
Okay, now I havent had a good birthday since I was 13 years old, but yesterday was the best. I went out to see the strippers, yes I said strippers! And I had a blast! I got so drunk it was amazing. Everyone so so nice and sweet to me, it was totally bitchin. I have pictures with my favorite stripper, JD. He is soooo hot. Not to mention he has that whole southern accent. Just fucking sexy as hell. Well besides that, I had fun. My friends are amazing. I never met a bunch of amazing women before in my life. They are the best friends that I never had, besides of course my best of best Reka. But I never had friends that had my back like they do. With them, I never feel like they are trying to use me or lie to me and they threw me the best party that I never had before. I had so much fun, I also went skydiving! I had fun, it was so freeing. Well I cant keep typing, I have a hangover. So, later!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:35 AM EDT
Thursday, 29 June 2006
Its My Birthday Damn It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mood:
 happy
Now Playing: Promisicous by nelly furtado
Wow, the day has come. I have turned another year older. I have reached the unreachable. Today, skydiving!!!!! I cant wait! Its gonna be so much fun. I think that I havent been this excited about my birthday since I was in high school. I just think that I am in a good place in my life and I have alot that I wanted done completed. Its weird, I thought about things and this is exactly where I wanted to be in my life. I am learning more and more each day and it just gets better. I am going back to school in the fall so I am looking forward to that. Its just that the one person that I would love to share all this with isnt here yet. But soon, hopefully. Now I just want to concentrate on my life as it is and as it is coming to. The things that I have done and that I am going to do in my life. The goals that I have yet to reach. I just think that in my life, I should be happy. And for once, I am almost there. Its weird, when you look back on everything, rachel and tony dying. My cousin in Iraq, my friend dying in Iraq. Its just like what the hell am I upset for. I could be worse off than I am right now I know that there is a silver lining now. Its just in my reach, and I am going to get there, soon. Without me depending on the love of a man, even though I do love a man with all the fibers in my soul, I just know want to do these things for me. Well thats enough of that, later!!1
Posted by monique151802
at 2:52 AM EDT
Wednesday, 28 June 2006
Okay Maybe Im Not Sane!!!
Mood:
 celebratory
Now Playing: Ms. Murder by AFI
Okay, so just when everything was starting to go my way, shit happens. Isnt that how it always goes. You get happy for just a moment but then, shit happens! Okay well let me start from the beginning. First let me start by saying ITS ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY!!!! SO PASS THE 40TIES AND LETS GET TO DRINKING!!! Okay so now that is out of my system, let me say what happened. Well I get off this morning, I talked to my cuddle bunny, aka red, aka Loren, from now on its cuddle bunny or teddy bear, sue me I like to call pet names, just not in bed! And I was on top of the world. I am so in love with him, just hearing his voice makes my day better. So anyways, I went into the house got off the phone with Red and I called myself trying to get some sleep, seeing as if I just got off of doing a 13 hour shift, but did I get sleep.... HELL NO!!! I kept having all my exs calling me, stalking me. Its weird, these guys didnt even call me this much when we were dating now they are all like, I love you, marry me, leave your boyfriend. You know what I say to that, thats a HELLLL FUCKKK NOOOO!! I love my man, and I respect him. Its bad enough that I pick up the phone to talk to these sorry fucks but now I have to listen to their crap too? So anyways, I was trying to get a grip on everything, but then I remember, June 27th, its my dad's birthday! So I pop up and go get some balloons, I already had a present for him. I get to his house and he's sick, poor daddy:(! So I do my best the be a great daughter and go around to everyone and get his presents. Then he ask " What do you want for your birthday?" Part of me just wanted to scream out NEW COMPUTER! But of course I said, "Im not sure, whatever" Which makes me start to wonder, am I sane! No comment reka cause I know you. Anyways, I went back to my house only to remember that I had to get some things for my hair, cause its getting done tomorrow, which is now techically today. So I went to the store and got my stuff, went to go get something to eat and went home. I finally got some sleep at about 7 this afternoon. Which by the way, truly suck, cause I didnt even eat anything, I ended up putting it in the frig, cause I dont want to eat then lay down, thats how you get fat! So I get up tonight, get ready for work and watch alittle t.v., which by the way, I still didnt eat until like 1 this morning. So I went all day without food, again. I really need to stop doing that. Not to mention, now I have to plan for my birthday. Stress I tell you, STOP THE MADDNESS!!!!!! I have to force myself to do anything besides workout and drink. Its bad when drinking seems better than everything else in life, lol. I guess thats part of being 21, oh no, almost 22 now!! Well this is getting long and I am growing tired of typing about nothing now, so later!!!♥
Posted by monique151802
at 2:10 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 28 June 2006 2:32 AM EDT
Friday, 23 June 2006
Why Is This Happening To Me?????
Mood:
 hug me
Now Playing: Dreaming Of You By Selena
Okay, now today started off pretty well. I talked to my Loren before I went to sleep and all was well. I love talking to him. He just makes me feel so good and he knows it. Its something about his voice that just makes everything better. I love him so much. Well enough with the mushy stuff. We talked until we basically almost fell asleep on each other.
So I went to sleep, woke up and had all these text messages on my phone. So I slowly start returning the texts, then that's when I see it, the most unlikely person texted me. Wanna know who it was.... take a guess... It was Jeff. Now normally I would have been thrilled to hear from him. But I really didnt know if I wanted to answer or not. Seeing that I knew that things between me and him are very weird and I dont want to make things weird than they are. So I read his text and he was like. Hey precious, just wanted to let you know that I was okay. I have been really busy so dont worry about me. I'll try to call you later, bye:).
Part of me screamed inside cause I knew that this couldnt be good. This type of thing just doesnt happen to just everyone, just me!!! Its weird, that a few months ago things were extremely different. I loved Jeff with all my heart and soul. I thought that deep down I wanted to be with him. But I was so wrong. I made the right choice. I choose Loren, hands down. But now, Jeff and I cant really talk. I dont know if its just that I dont want to bring up the past with him, or I think that I may have feelings for him. Whatever it is, it cant be good.
So I did some meditating, and I came to a conclusion. I cant trust myself around Jeff. Its not that I think that something would happen, its just that I dont think that I can stand to be in the same room with him. The mere thought of it makes me sick. I feel like he used me to try and sleep with me, make me back up plan. I cant be his back up plan, Im way too good for that. So I decided to make sure that this issue could never come up later on. I know, it seems selfish seeing as if he just tried to take his own life and I should be there for him, but I cant take that chance, not anymore.
So after that, I got a text from Mike. Seeing how I was doing and wondering if he could get a back massage, yeah right!! I then heard later from Anna that she got the same damn text! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! Who and the hell does he think that he is? Does he really think that he can have two friends?? Did he think that I would find out??? Well, sorry dumbass, I did!! And I dont want anything else to do with him. Its a wrap.
So now I am trying to plan my birthday out, since I have that day off. I am going to make the most of it. Well Later freaks, geeks, and everyone in between!!! Im out!!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:45 AM EDT
Wednesday, 21 June 2006
Who and The Hell Does He Think He Is?????
Mood:
irritated
Topic: My Life
Now I guess the I have to bring this up cause it has been bothering me since it happened. I was talking on the phone the other day and I get this text, and you will never believe who it is. It was Tom. Now for everyone that doesnt know the background on everything, Tom and I were talking and he said that he was going to call me, but of course he never did. So now, about a month later, this bitch decides to call me and says, "I want to talk to you." "What in the hell do you want to talk to me about, what about you disappearing off the face of the earth?" "Well see there is a very good reason why I didnt call you." "And what reason was that, you got what you wanted and now you dont want me anymore? Matter of fact, why are you calling me? What are you horny and you need to help out your urge?" "No, if you let me tell you I will, my ship had to deploy and I wasnt able to call you." "Okay so thats for email too, cause I know that your boat has email." "Precious I am trying to say that I am sorry, I like you alot. I didnt want to seem like an ass, please forgive me." "Fine what do you want?" "A second chance, to show you that I am a nice person." "Okay, but as a friend, cause I dont trust you."
So now I am pissed cause this ass decided to call me and make my week pissy. I hate him!!!! Not to mention, that I was in a really good mood seeing that I talked to my baby Loren. He really makes me feel special. I love him so much.
I went to the beach the other day and I had a blast. I played in the ocean, and sat in the sand for hours. It was amazing, I love to be around water, you can truly tell that I am a cancer, water soothes me.
Well thats it for today, hopefully more tomorrow. Later!!!!!
Posted by monique151802
at 11:27 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 22 June 2006 1:47 AM EDT
Sunday, 18 June 2006
Whats A Girl To Do???
Mood:
 special
Now Playing: Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse
Topic: My Life
Well first let me start by I feel a little better. I have been talking to my friends and they have been letting me know that they are here for me. Its funny, I never knew how awesome my friends were until I told the truth. But the best part is that I have decided to let go of this high school crush and be with the one person that knows me inside and out. This person has loved me longer than anyone that I have ever been with, and it is one of the guys that I have been talking about. Do you wanna know who it is??????? .....Well...., its Loren. He has been like the rock that I needed when things get hard. Now that everything has changed in my life and I know exactly what I am here on this earth for, I have a grip on my life and my reality. It cool, that now I can talk freely and be myself. So first, I am a practicing pagan, now I am still a Christian for everyone that's about to be like, devil child and all that mess, but I love nature, and I love to celebrate that. Next, I have been talking to only true friends. It seems like I was lost in some type of twisted reality and I thought that I could count on everyone, not true. In fact, I only have like four true friends right now. They care for me like I care about them. They are Loren, Reka, Anna, and Adrienne. They love me just for who I am, and I like that. Next, I let go of the past. I had to let go of the anger, and fear that I had bottled up inside of me for years. So now, I an honestly say that I feel a little better about things. Last but not least, I can say now, I love myself!!!!! Yes it sounds really conceited, but I do. I love that I love rock music, I love that I write rock music, I love that I love that ocean and that I love poetry. That I love sex, and that I am comfortable with my sexuality. Yes I am people, I can say that I like my body, but I still have work to do. And last but not least, I love dancing and singing. I live for those. Its where I can let go of everything that bothers me in the world and go into my little space and hide. Okay I am done for now, later!!!
Posted by monique151802
at 12:22 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 18 June 2006 12:44 AM EDT
Friday, 16 June 2006
What I Did.
Mood:
 down
Topic: My Life
Okay I am finally coming clean. I read some stuff today and I am not proud of what I have been doing, but I want to tell the truth. Everyday, for the last past two weeks, I have tried to kill myself. This morning, I was almost very successful. I read somewhere that if you mix a certain drink and ambien, which I am on, you can kill yourself. So today, I went and mixed the two, and I couldnt wake up. I didnt wake up until I got beat up by my friend tonight at about 7. I was really disorientated and I couldnt breathe. So I was thinking, no one cares what happens, no one cares if I die. I have had a best friend day when I was younger that I never got over, then alot of family members. The family that I have left dont care if I am here or not. The only friends that I have are back in St.Louis and I am scared that I am losing them. I feel out of place. I have never been the popular one so I dont expect for people to care. What can I look forward to. My life has been a horrible mess. I have been raped twice, I have almost been molested by my step father, lied to and beat by my mom, my real dad beat me. Where do I belong? And the worse part is the guy that I love doesnt love me and I know it. the fact of the matter is that I am alone in this world. All the guys just want to have sex with me and leave me, and all the real friends that I have are not around. It makes me want to go home and try again. I dont want to make it to my next birthday. Everyday I wish that someone would come and kill me. But it never happens. The more I am on this earth, the more I will try. Jeff tried to kill himself and I just cant take this anymore. So if this is the last entry I love you all.
Posted by monique151802
at 12:37 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 18 June 2006 12:44 AM EDT
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